The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it is aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Nutripals.
But Fuming Fuji, you say, Nutripals bars have twice the protein and fiber of other children’s snack bars like Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain bars! Just look at how great these nutritious snacks are!
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Nutripals are great, Fuji! The commercial explains that compared to other snacks, this is a “balanced” nutrition snack for kids!
The catch: Listen very carefully. The Fuji cares, which is why I may explode. That would be unfortunate.
ADDING nutritious ingredients to garbage does not make an unhealthy food miraculously healthy. These laboratories (Nutripals belongs to PediaSure which belongs to Abbott Laboratories) creating processed confections wish for you to believe their happy antioxidant marketing, but do NOT be fooled, Apples! The Fuji has seen the commercials you speak of. Puppies and flowers and protein grams do not change a food that is full of the same things that go in your automobile.
The comeback: Yikes! Calm down, Fuming Fuji! Sure, there’s a little sugar and processing. How bad can it be? You are getting carried away with that automobile nonsense! Kids want snacks. If you can give them fiber and protein and antioxidants, what is the harm?
The conclusion: The Fuji can slather olive oil on a candy bar, but that does not make the candy bar healthy (admit it, you thought about it for a second). I grow tired, Apples, very tired of these evil food manufacturers tricking people.
You see “protein” and “fiber” and “antioxidants” and think “Sounds good to me!” But look at the ingredients. Do not take my word for it, just look below. How does glycerine (a derivative of petroleum, thank you very much automobile analogy doubters) equal health?
The journey of junk from a laboratory vat to a rectangular stick of sweet goo is a deceptive and ugly one that harms children. Of course they gloat about the protein and fiber (miniscule amounts the Fuji would not really be bragging about anyway). Just look at all the other garbage they do not discuss!
The catchphrase: You can dress it up in pretty vitamin sprinkles, but trash is still trash.
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.
Technorati Tags: children’s health, nutripals, protein, fiber
Posted By: Worker Bee
The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with juice.
But, Fuming Fuji, you say, juice is healthy for children!
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Fuji, you’ve gone too far this time. Of all the things on earth for you to fume about – juice? Juice is fruit! It has vitamins!
The catch: I see, you are the juice police. You must be very proud of your sugar water. Yes, fruit is healthy. But juice is not fruit. That is like saying broth is chicken.
The comeback: You know what? Sometimes you draw really creepy analogies, Fuji. I’m giving my kids juice, because they need their vitamins. And there’s nothing you can do about it, you angry little apple!
The conclusion: Do you think an apple would have an incentive to lie about juice being healthy? Well, okay, maybe. But you are very much mistaken if you think sugar water is beneficial to the tiny tots! There are much better ways to get vitamins into small fry, such as vegetables and fruit. And Fuji knows that most juice is not even real juice. Why are chemicals, dyes and corn syrup acceptable fuel for precious seedlings? The Fuji does not accept!
The catchphrase: Juice is juicy – and that is the problem.
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.
Technorati Tags: children’s health, juice, apples
Posted By: Worker Bee
The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Kellogg’s Eggo frozen waffles.
But, Fuming Fuji, you say, Eggos come in over a dozen varieties, including “Nutri-Grain”. Isn’t a hot, toasty waffle better than those breakfast cereals you’re always fuming about?
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: The U.S. government says we should eat 6 servings of grain every day. Isn’t a morning stack of Eggos a good way to get fiber into tiny tots?
The catch: 3 Eggos are stuffed with 280 calories, 720 milligrams of sodium, and 35 grams of sugar. That is all more than two cans of Coca-Cola, which makes soda feel very sad and puny. Fortunately, these waffles do not outshine Coca-Cola in the fiber department of which you seem so concerned. Each Eggo has only 1/3 of a gram of this fiber you desire. Do not forget the syrup!
Here is an idea, Kellogg’s. Since you already so generously offer many choco-nilla-cinna-butter-berry-jelly flavorings, the Fuji recommends branching out into new textures.
Inventing new artificially flavored, goo-stuffed and sugar-striped waffles must be exhausting. The Fuji understands and suggests an intravenous dietbetes Eggodrip. Bonus: easy on-the-go drip portability! (The Fuji cannot help such brilliance. Suggested slogan: “Comin’ At the Carotid!”)
The comeback: Okay, so they offer chocolate-vanilla striped waffles. And maybe the strawberry-jelly filled waffles are a little over the top. And maybe the blueberries are more blue than berry. And maybe a serving of Eggos is literally worse than two sugary sodas. And maybe the new animal-shaped Eggo mini-pancakes are pretty blatant child manipulation. And maybe there is more fiber in a lug nut. Wait…there was a comeback somewhere in this…
The conclusion: It is amazing how bleached flour, palm kernel oil, sugar and salt can be reconstituted into the fascinating grid shape we call the Eggo – and in so many amazing flavors, too! The Fuji could not hope to understand such a feat of engineering despite possessing off-the-tree genius which was duly noted when the Fuji was but a seedling.
The catchphrase: If “leggo” was not such a stupid word, the Fuji would say that is what you should do to the Eggo.
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.
Technorati Tags: children’s health, Kellogg’s, eggo, frozen waffles, breakfast
Posted By: Worker Bee
The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Cap’n Crunch.
But, Fuming Fuji, you say, Cap’n Crunch has been around forever! It’s the #1 children’s cereal in the country! Can’t you just cut us some slack for once?
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Quaker Oats says that Cap’n Crunch has a “unique, indescribable taste.”
The catch: That is because death is very difficult to describe the taste of, since you are dead when you taste it. Also, the Fuji is very tired of misspelled words, Captain.
The comeback: Come on, Fuji, that is ridiculous! A little sweetened cereal never hurt anyone.
The conclusion: The Fuji does not have patience for such insanity! I fume! Cap’n Crunch can take his puff pillows and stupid berries back to 1963 and stay there. Also, these Berries of Crunch are not even real berries, so the Fuji would like to inform Quaker Oats that they are in error. If you look up “berry” on Wikipedia you will see very clearly that berries are a fruit and not, in fact, a petrified corn flour sugar nugget. Also, berries do not come in teal.
The catchphrase: Avoid this Cap’n who would surely lose a spelling bee and his not-berry sugar nuggets! Unless you would like diabetes. Then, this is perfect.
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji. Or something.
Technorati Tags: children’s health, Cap’n Crunch, cereal, breakfast, sugar nuggets, Pirate cereal, Pirate crunchy awesomeness, Pirate Captains, Dangerous and exotic Pirate Captain Cereal, Crunchy Pirates, Healthy Pirates, Unhealthy Pirates, entirely doomed and sugar plagued pirates
Posted By: Worker Bee
The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Nestle Crunch Sticks.
But, Fuming Fuji, you say, Nestle wants to make snacking more convenient and “keep consumers interested” with more crunchy sound and texture. Also, Fuji, it is Nestle Crunch Stixx.
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Crunch Bar has to satisfy baby boomers and kids as well as compete with new high-end chocolates. By making candy bars more convenient, consumers can continue to buy enjoy Crunch.
The catch: By making candy bars more convenient? Is a candy bar really so difficult? This new Stixx product is even worse for you than the original and uses more packaging. The Fuji wants to know why Nestle hates both people and the planet!
The comeback: But Nestle wants to increase the brand’s “premiumness” for maximum enjoyment! This is about quality and choice.
The conclusion: Enough about Nestle’s needs! What about the Fuji’s needs? The Fuji needs to never again see such hateful snacks. What is so difficult about a bar that you now need four smaller bars? The Fuji wonders if the BK Chicken Fries people are behind this.
The Fuji speaks the truth: Nestle wants to increase profits because dark, healthier chocolates are now in the market and eating into their ugly vegetable-oil-filled wannabe chocolate. What Nestle should be worried about is buying a dictionary, because premiumness and stixx are not even words.
The catchphrase: Do not buy products that teach children bad spelling!
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji. Or something.
Technorati Tags: children’s health, nestle, crunch sticks, candies, chocolate
Posted By: Worker Bee
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