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Archive for the ‘ The Fuming Fuji ’ Category

17 Apr

The Fuming Fuji Says No to iDeserve Energy Pretzels

FUJ

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it is aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with iDeserv Energy Pretzels.

But, Fuming Fuji, you say, these pretzels give you energy! Why else would it say “Energy Pretzels” on the package?

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: But, Fuji, iDeserv a snack now and then! These pretzels are not like the old, refined, sodium-filled pretzels I know you would fume about. These pretzels have protein and fiber added to them!

The catch: Fuji cannot comment on what we do or do not deserve. Fuji can comment on these ridiculous new “energy” pretzels which contain processed soy isolate and inulin from Cargill, fine makers of industrial food fillers. The Fuji grows so tired of bad food being injected with nice-sounding industrial filler goop and subsequently bandying about as a “healthy” treat. Get your energy from food, not filler! Soy and inulin are technically protein and fiber, this is true. But while we are being technical, iDeserv really deserves a spelling lesson.

The comeback: There you go with the spelling again, Fuji. Sounds like a cop-out to me. What’s so bad about a hybrid pretzel attempting to be a healthier snack? After all, you are a hybrid, Fuji.

The conclusion:

The comeback, take 2: Fuji? Hey, where’d you go? I’m really sorry about that last comment. I crossed the line.

Okay, you little fritter, now I’m getting concerned. Stop playing.

The conclusion: Do you really think the Fuji plays? The Fuji fumes! I’m keeping my eye on you, oh ye snack frenemy. This silly pretzel product is merely refined flour in a trendy coating. Be junk, or be food. Pick a lane!

The catchphrase: Eat finery, not refinery.
iDeserv

Source: Junk Food Blog

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10 Apr

The Fuming Fuji Says No to 100-calorie Snack Packs

FUJ

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it is aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with 100-calorie snack packs.

But, Fuming Fuji, you say, these are sensibly-sized snack portions!

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: Children need snacks, Fuji. And so do grown-ups. At least these little treats are only 100 calories, so it won’t do you any harm.

The catch: The Fuji is perplexed by this bold assertion that we “need snacks”.

The comeback: …were you going somewhere with that? Fuji? Okay, well, I’m just going to go do the dishes. I’ll check back in five minutes.

The conclusion: You’d like to think you got the better of the Fuming Fuji, wouldn’t you? Just hold your horses, snack-pack presumer! I was merely preparing my argument.

Chips and cookies are unhealthy; no one disputes this, correct? Let us hope. Then how do you justify snacking on garbage food because it is only a tiny amount of garbage food? I am a tiny amount of fury, and yet, the food industry quakes in fear of the Fuji. Well, maybe not, but my point is this: children are not trash compactors! They deserve a garbage-free nutritious existence, not an almost garbage-free existence! You do not need snacks – you need to love your body! How will the tiny tots learn properly if you show them that you do not think you deserve a garbage-free existence?

The catchphrase: Almost respecting the body is still disrespecting it.

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.

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4 Apr

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Applesauce

FUJ

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it is aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with applesauce.

But, Fuming Fuji, you say, applesauce is fruit!

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: Come on, Fuji. What am I supposed to put in my child’s lunch? Air? Applesauce is better than a candy bar or cookie. I’ve had about enough of your problems. It’s fruit!

The catch: Applesauce is a lumpy sugarfest not fit for seedlings. Applesauce is full of sweeteners and additives. It should really not be called applesauce. Maybe applesludge. I am pretty sure you could run your car on applesauce.

The comeback: Fuji, don’t you think you’re a little biased here? Do I really have to bring up the elephant in the post? Obviously you would not be in favor of applesauce. I buy the no-sugar-added kind. You can’t tell me that is unhealthy!

The conclusion: Oh, really? I cannot? Listen to the Fuji (for you are being beseeched, please do not take this lightly). Even fresh foods that do not have bad things added to them are unhealthy when they are old and processed. An apple off a tree? Very nutritious, I admit – though it pains me a little bit.

But we are not talking about a fresh apple! We are talking about apples stored for weeks and months, losing valuable enzymes and nutrients, stuffed through machinery, bottled and lounging lazily on shelves before you finally get to them. And this is fit for the tiny tots? This is not really food, do you see? I mean, it is edible, but that is nothing to brag about, is it! The Fuji has a big problem with old, dead things parading around the “healthy” aisle of the grocery store. Maybe I am biased.

The catchphrase: Avoid food that loafs around!

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.

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27 Mar

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Cupcakes

FUJ

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it is aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a problem with cupcakes.

But, Fuming Fuji, you say, isn’t a miniature dessert now and then better than eating fast food all the time?

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: For the love of all that is human, Fuji, a cupcake? A cupcake is a heartwarming treat in a sensible portion size. If you’re going to eat a dessert, this is the way to go!

The catch: A sensible portion compared to what? The Cheesecake Factory and its evil one-pound slice of cake? This does not make a cupcake smart. Yes, the Fuji grants that your cupcake is better than many things. A cake in a cup is, for example, much better than lard in a cup. But the Fuji must inform you that a little bit of bad compared to a lot of bad does not make the little bit of bad good. You are stunned.

The comeback: Huh? Look, no one is perfect, not even you, Fuji. Like I said, a cupcake is better than eating fast food all the time.

The conclusion: The Fuji cannot help you until you seek help for your disturbing obsession with this dessert in a cup. It is not even a real cup! But it is real sugar. I fume!

The catchphrase: Tiny tots need fruit, not fructose!

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji. Also, we have no issue with cups.

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21 Mar

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Cheese and Crackers

FUJ

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it is aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with cheese and crackers.

Oh, Fuming Fuji, you say, I can’t believe you would have a problem with this healthy, natural snack! Maybe you should get your blood pressure checked, Fuji.

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: Cheese and crackers provide calcium, protein, and fiber to children! I thought cheese and crackers were healthy for kids. What’s not to love?

The catch: Yes, Fuji agrees, the two most processed foods on earth are a wonderful combination for children everywhere. In fact, here is another great one: how about pepperoni slices on potato chips?

The comeback: That sounds kind of good, actually.

The conclusion: The Fuji did not just hear this! Cheese is reformed baby cow food. In fact, if the Fuji thinks about it too much, bad things will surely happen. Beware, oh ye lovers of blubber & biscuits, beware. Slapping cheddar curd cakes atop dead ground grain squares is not a wise or nutritious practice. The Fuji admits it is probably fun, though (but not as fun as fuming, which surpasses all other verbs).

The catchphrase: Cheese & Cracker conglomerate may squash the Fuji, but he still got the juice!

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji. We are appropriately dazzled, however.

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