The Fuming Fuji is famous for his feisty tirades against “toxic food”, especially, in his (or its?) words, “when it is aimed at the small fry.” Until now the notoriously voluble but reclusive fruit has refused all interview requests. Now, for the first time, the Fuming Fuji speaks. Mark’s Daily Apple is pleased to bring you this exclusive interview. But also a tiny bit scared.
Fuming Fuji, you have come out strongly against such children’s favorite as cheese-n-crackers, Gogurt, milk-n-cereal bars, and even the healthiest of breakfast cereals. Your critics say you are extreme and you’ve even been labeled a narcissist by a prominent historian and psychologist*. What do you say to your detractors?
The Fuji has no need to entertain the silly opinions of those who consider the combination of moo goop and corn cardboard to be fuel fit for the tiny tots. “Healthiest of breakfast cereals”. Ha ha, that is very humorous!
Well. Fuming Fuji, you’re certainly not shy about taking on “Big Agra” and “Big Moo”. What, in your view, are food manufacturers doing wrong?
Oh, Fuji grows weary of it all. To be honest, some days I lose my juice. That is never pretty, I can tell you. Most children’s snacks are death nuggets. They are either Blunder Tonic chemical baths or corn syrup sugar biscuits. Even the fruit added into such products as breakfast cereals is -
- Not-berries, right? I remember reading that in a column of yours -
- please do not interrupt the Fuji. That is very unwise. As I was saying, the C.E.O. of Eggo, David Mackay, is a personal enemy of mine. Oh, wait, perhaps I was not saying that. You have broken my trail of thought.
I apologize, Fuji. It won’t happen again.
It had better not.
Again, I am very sorry. I was simply expressing my enthusiasm for your particularly brilliant turns of phrase. It won’t happen again.
[Appears to be pouting.]
Fuming Fuji, precisely what should children – seedlings, as you call them – eat? Does the Fuming Fuji always say no?
I say yes to fresh vegetables, fresh lean meats, organic dairy, and fresh fruit – even apples. I am really a very easy-going apple. I am much more normal than my critics will claim. Like any apple I enjoy a good roll in the barrel from time to time.
Fuming Fuji, what are your credentials?
My degree is in Fumology. This is often overlooked. I am highly-qualified to fume.
What do you say to the recent flap over your condemnation of applesauce? Is this a personal thing?
I would eat applesauce myself if it would help the seedlings grow into strong apples. Also, if I could eat. Applesauce is a sugar bucket of enzymeless ugly fruits not fit for the shiny produce section. It is generous to even call them fruits, really.
I see. Fuming Fuji, curious readers are dying to know: are you seeing anyone special? Is there a sweet lady who gets to the core of the Fuji?
While I am aware of the profound effect my appearance has on others, I would appreciate if you would remain professional and direct your advances to someone more appropriate for you. I am sure you would do very well with pears.
…Okay. Fuming Fuji, what is the single most important food that parents and caregivers should keep away from their children?
If I told you that I would have nothing to fume about! That is an old Fumology joke, by the way. There is always plenty that is fumable by its very nature. You will find that most seedlings’ snacks are some sticky, chewy conglomeration of milk and grain. Usually it is very high in sugar and artificial ingredients. Nutripals is a good example. Oooh, they make the Fuji really furious. I nearly lose my peel over those. Many products are marketed as healthy, such as Nutripals, yogurt, and cereal bars, and they are no different from what is found in a candy bar. The best advice for raising healthy seedlings is to keep their little mitts off anything in a box. That is all for today. I must prepare.
Thank you so much for taking the time to -
* Dr. Johannes Cobbler, widely-renowned apple studies expert. To learn more about Dr. Cobbler’s contributions to academia, please see A Brief History of the Apple.
The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it is aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Burger King’s Chicken Fries.
But, Fuming Fuji, you say, kids need protein!
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Fuji, I just read Mark’s post about protein. He says chicken is healthy. Okay, so it’s not organic and there is a little bit of breading, but isn’t chicken better for kids than a burger?
The catch: If you want to eat food that looks like deep-friend fingers, be Fuji’s guest. But deep-fried reconstituted chicken mixture is not fit for seedling consumption. Who thought of this disturbing meat french fry “food”? Fuji would not even feed it to sworn enemies such as evil Eggo C.E.O. David Mackay, and trust me that is really saying something.
The comeback: Well, I don’t know about your beef, but I know kids love chicken. And finger foods are a smart, convenient idea. The cup fits right in my car’s cup holders and there’s even a little sauce dipper! Besides, I’d rather have my kids eat chicken fries than french fries or candy bars.
The conclusion: That entire statement is just fumable. Chicken fries are no different from french fries, unless you count the rotting dirty modified carcass part! A box of chicken fries has a lot more calories, sugar and fat than a candy bar, so do not fool yourself, finger fan. See for yourself with this chart if you do not believe the Fuji.
The catchphrase: When you find yourself feeding seedlings fried meat sticks from a cup holder, you may have bigger issues to deal with.
Fuming Fuji reports:
Now here is a fumer after Fuji’s own core. The Fuji grows very tired of this argument, so it is pleasing to see an ally in the fight. Sugar does not make a diet exciting, unless you count going to the dentist to find out how many cavities your tiny tot has as excitement.
Fuming Fuji also reports:
Fuji is shocked. Stunned. Actually fumeless. This doctor writes a rousing call to doctors everywhere: support your patients’ interest in alternative therapies, and educate thyself before judging.
Dr. Joseph P. says:
“Practitioners recognizing that they are not the source of healing, but the means by which patients discover, or actually rediscover, their own innate capacity to regain health.”
This is not quite as good as rabble-rousing, but rousing is still rousing. This warrants a good roll in the barrel. Excuse me for a moment…
Okay, I am back. Do not miss this news, apples:
Pomegranate juice helps stop cancer. Okay, I am a little miffed that apples do not stop cancer. But then again I am handsome and well-liked. Raise healthy seedlings: let them have fun staining the tablecloth with a real pomegranate, because pomegranate juice does not have fiber.
I must say it has been very fun providing the bites today. But if you think I am done fuming, Apples…
Have a very healthy, fun weekend, Apples…or else!
The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it is aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with Little Einsteins cereal from General Mills.
But, Fuming Fuji, you say, kids need whole grain and calcium!
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Fuji, your blasphemous true colors have been revealed. Who would say no to whole grain and calcium? 1 in 10 children don’t get enough grain in their diet. General Mills says cereal is a great way to change this!
The catch: Fuji admits you have caught me in a semantic trap. Good for you. But, I do not say no to fiber and calcium. I say no to these not-genius-at-all candy nuggets that belong in a black hole…known as the trash can.
Who said kids need grains? Why the obsession with obesity-inducing starch for fiber? Only 1 in 10 children get “enough” whole grains? Wonderful! If only that number were zero!
The comeback: Well. A little vehement, don’t you think, Fuji? Look, kids need to eat more grains. Otherwise the corn, soy and wheat industries will fail. Is that really what you want, you bitter little apple? Plus, if you eat these Einstein “nuggets” with milk, you get 10% of your DV of calcium, and that’s why GM can claim to be a “good source of calcium”. Aren’t you guys always talking about the need for fiber and vitamins?
The conclusion: All right, I am really about to fume very hard now. Beware. The Fuji is very much in favor of fiber and vitamins, as stated before. But if you think that cereal made from dehydrated old cheap grains is the brainiest source of fiber, or that 10% of the DV of calcium (added only from Big Moo, not the cereal!) is a “good source”, then the Fuji does not think you would qualify for Mensa at all. But maybe the FDA.
The catchphrase: Little Einsteins cereal? Relativity, all right.
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji. No geniuses were harmed in the publishing of this post.
Source: Food Processing, Again
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