Mark’s Daily Apple

Candy Coated WHAT?3

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The Fuming Fuji does not know what to do, but it rhymes with dexplode. What is this product of unspeakable sugarness? Fuji is baffled. This is a very difficult thing, to baffle a genius.

Kid Kupz may “take the ick out of sick” but they will forever nauseate Fuji. There is a solution to a cough or cold, and it does not involve more sugar! Yes, my adoring readers, you are not misunderstanding: candy is being used to assist in cold treatment. Who let Mary Poppins out of her carpet bag? And why are we putting unsafe chemicals in our children anyway? The Fuji is gravely disappointed in this treatment of the seedlings. Also, the Fuji fears we are raising a bunch of pithy pansies who cannot even take a dose of medicine without a sugar salvo. Should homework come with licorice pencils? When the Fuji was a seedling even the flu was taken in stride in the roll through the snow to school. (This daily sojourn was a journey of many difficult yards, but you shall be blessed with this story at another point in time if Fuji has the time.)

- Source

 Further explosions of terror and awe:

More Fuji Fury and Fuming Frettage

Posted: Carbs, Health, Humor, Nutrition, Raise Healthy Seedlings, Reviews, The Fuming Fuji

The Fuming Fuji Does Not Give a Flying Finger Food6

Dragging their buns far behind the rest of the junk food giants in the compliance arena, Burger King is introducing a crisp first strike on the PR front with “the Fry Pod”, apple slices cut to look like fries, packaged in a traditional BK sleeve.

In a nod to Stanford’s recent study that food packaging not only influences kids’ preferences but makes them favor the flavor, it seems this one is primed for marketers to trot out in the “we’re doing the right thing� arena, as ValleyWag reports here. Wash apples in lemon juice, make ‘em dead-ringers for the spuds and who can fault the logic that marketers aren’t being responsive? Brandwashing to present healthier fare? Hmn. Slick.

Maybe the novelty of it all will capture some market share, so that alone is worthy of applause…After all, BK operates more than 11,200 restaurants in all 50 states and 69 countries and territories, so if clever marketing catches on this could be big…

Editor’s note: the above content is reprinted with permission from our partner-in-prevention, Amy at Shaping Youth. Don’t miss this child advocacy blog that catches all the clever tricks of Big Agra, the media, and industries that influence youth. From toys to MTV to teens, nothing gets by Amy and Shaping Youth! And now, a word from the Fuming Fuji…

It is with mixed emotions that the Fuji assesses the new Fry Pod of Apple Fingerlingalings. Aside from the obvious problem (apple augmentation), Fuji declares that it is high time to call a scepter a scepter: Burger King clearly has a disturbing finger fetish. French fries are not enough; the Big Burger will not stop until everything is shaped like a finger and available in a convenient car cupholder container.

Fuji is concerned that the self-appointed fast food nobility’s Hooked on Fingers marketing will make children forget what actual chicken and apples and other real foods are shaped like. (We will overlook the audacity of using the term “food” in conjunction with said offerings.) Admittedly, Fuji cannot begin to understand the kinks of royalty, because Fuji does not wear a crown, which surely must be very heavy. Fuji prefers standard-issue Fumology, which allows for the use of the Royal We without the annoying weight of a medieval gold hat. Also, Fuji is not inbred, which is more than we can say for Burger King’s…menu. Additionally, 9 out of 10 surveys taken by the Fuming Fuji have concluded that Burger King is gross. This is statistical significance of the sort not seen since the Fuming Fuji surveyed the numerous new flavor offerings from Eggo, only to find that every single one - from Strawberry Waffull to Chocolate Chip to Flip Flops (waffle of choice in 2004) - is confusing to children and apples alike. Looking at the ingredients panel, it would appear that each carbohydrate concoction contained many ingredients, when in fact, Eggos are made of only two things: corn and chemicals! Also, they are ugly and stupidly spelled, and in this global economy we simply cannot afford to be instilling bad taste in our children.

In conclusion, the Fuming Fuji suspects that Burger King will be royally miffed to learn that someone else thought of the ultimate finger fried creation: meat. on. a. stick. fried. in. french. fries. Guard thy throne, Burger Kink.

- link from reader Sonagi

Posted: Big Agra, Carbs, Health, Humor, Marketing, Nutrition, Raise Healthy Seedlings, The Fuming Fuji

The Fuming Fuji Will Not Tolerate Cluttered Food15

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it is aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with cluttered food.

But, Fuming Fuji, you have to admit this pizza is kind of cool.

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: Seriously, Fuji, get a sense of humor. It’s not like this pizza is really any less healthy than BBQ chicken pizza.

The catch: I do not have to admit this pizza is cool. Clearly, this pizza is merely tepid. Also, the Fuji is gravely disappointed in you for thinking BBQ chicken pizza is healthy. But I suppose I should not expect so much from creatures who create such confused food. The Fuji recommends psychiatric intervention.

The comeback: Um, I did not mean the pizza was literally cool. But I did mean it when I said you have no sense of humor. Get a clue, you overweening fruit. Maybe you’re just jealous because it doesn’t have apple slices on it. Nobody is claiming this pizza is something we should be eating.

The conclusion: Oh, really? Have you asked everybody? That is a universal and therefore impossible statement you have made. (I learned much in my Fumology studies, as everybody knows.)

Where was I? You have ruined my concentration with your terrible fashion choices.

Oh, yes! It does not matter if there is a claim of health. The pizza is being made, and people are eating it, and it is confusing! The Fuji will overlook your personal attacks and character assassination attempts because you are clearly annoying. Also, you are not green, although this cannot really be helped.

Listen to the Fuji: do not indulge this cluttered food! It is a slippery slope that will quickly lead to very confusing combinations!

The catchphrase: What is next? Southwest cinnamon rolls? Mojito lattes? Macaroni ‘n cheese tacos?

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.

Hat Tip: FitSugar

Further Reading:

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Cereal Bars!

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Sea Bugs!

More Cowbell

Fried Mac ‘n Cheese Balls

Technorati Tags: pizza, food, strange, bizarre, Japan, fast food, calories, oddities

Posted: Carbs, Diet, Health, Humor, Marketing, Nutrition, Raise Healthy Seedlings, The Fuming Fuji

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Kellogg’s!1

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it is aimed at the small fry. This week, El Fritter has decided to have a serious problem with Kellogg’s.

But, Fuming Fuji, you’ve been very vocal of late about your feud with David MacKay, Kellogg’s CEO. This seems like a thinly veiled attempt to lash out at your rival. What could you possibly have to gripe about when it comes to Kellogg’s? They just announced they’re making many of their foods healthier - and they will no longer be marketing sugary products to children under 12!

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: Fuji, clearly this is personal. I don’t even want to hear it. In fact, I’m starting to think you just have a problem with breakfast. In the last six months, you’ve fumed against breakfast bars, breakfast cereals, breakfast waffles. Maybe you just need therapy, Fuji.

The catch: Clearly you are projecting. The Fuji cannot help you with that, he is not trained in psychotherapy. While MacKay and the Fuji have been feuding with a furor only outdone by Rosie and Donald, this has nothing to do with my anger over his hypocrisy. I am furious about the junk that Kellogg’s slings at the small fry! Big Agra’s tartlets of pop and not-berry death nuggets should not fool anybody, even you, my carbaceous foe.

The comeback: Rosie and Donald Trump, huh. I wouldn’t go that far. You’re an apple. Maybe Paris and Nicole, though.

Here’s my “carbaceous” opinion: So Kellogg’s will still be selling products they decide they cannot reformulate into healthier versions - yeah, maybe that’s a tad disingenuous. Okay, maybe a lot, actually. Wait, where was I going with this?

Oh, yeah! At least they’re not going to market unchanged products to kids, and they won’t be using cartoons to hawk the junkier stuff. Isn’t a little progress better than none? Snap! I think you’re just being stubborn, Fuji. Some would say obtuse.

The conclusion: Good for you and your knowledge of angles. Unfortunately for you I have the right angle. Ha, ha. That is a little geometry joke. I do not know this “snap” you speak of, but his cousin Crackle is a real little weasel, let me tell you.

Mark the Fuji’s words: Kellogg’s will not change very much. What little they change they will brag about like they invented Christmas.

The catchphrase: Kellogg’s: new and improved, because we didn’t feel like a lawsuit!

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.

Hat Tip: Get the full scoop (food police lawsuit, ensuing settlement, ensuing “we felt like changing, no reason, really” announcement from Kellogg’s, and the ensuing blogosphere buzz) at the informative youth advocacy blog Shaping Youth. Thanks, Amy!

Further Reading:

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Cereal Bars!

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Sea Bugs!

Yogurt? Nogurt!

No More Sugar-Coating: Mark on the Kellogg’s Drama

Technorati Tags: Kellogg’s, Shaping Youth, counter-marketing, children’s food, junk food, food police, CCFC, CSPI

Posted: Big Agra, Carbs, Diet, Health, Humor, Marketing, Nutrition, Raise Healthy Seedlings, The Fuming Fuji

A Rare Interview with the Fuming Fuji0

The Fuming Fuji is famous for his feisty tirades against “toxic food”, especially, in his (or its?) words, “when it is aimed at the small fry.” Until now the notoriously voluble but reclusive fruit has refused all interview requests. Now, for the first time, the Fuming Fuji speaks. Mark’s Daily Apple is pleased to bring you this exclusive interview. But also a tiny bit scared.

Fuming Fuji, you have come out strongly against such children’s favorite as cheese-n-crackers, Gogurt, milk-n-cereal bars, and even the healthiest of breakfast cereals. Your critics say you are extreme and you’ve even been labeled a narcissist by a prominent historian and psychologist*. What do you say to your detractors?

The Fuji has no need to entertain the silly opinions of those who consider the combination of moo goop and corn cardboard to be fuel fit for the tiny tots. “Healthiest of breakfast cereals”. Ha ha, that is very humorous!

Well. Fuming Fuji, you’re certainly not shy about taking on “Big Agra” and “Big Moo”. What, in your view, are food manufacturers doing wrong?

Oh, Fuji grows weary of it all. To be honest, some days I lose my juice. That is never pretty, I can tell you. Most children’s snacks are death nuggets. They are either Blunder Tonic chemical baths or corn syrup sugar biscuits. Even the fruit added into such products as breakfast cereals is -

- Not-berries, right? I remember reading that in a column of yours -

- please do not interrupt the Fuji. That is very unwise. As I was saying, the C.E.O. of Eggo, David Mackay, is a personal enemy of mine. Oh, wait, perhaps I was not saying that. You have broken my trail of thought.

I apologize, Fuji. It won’t happen again.

It had better not.

Again, I am very sorry. I was simply expressing my enthusiasm for your particularly brilliant turns of phrase. It won’t happen again.

[Appears to be pouting.]

Fuming Fuji, precisely what should children - seedlings, as you call them - eat? Does the Fuming Fuji always say no?

I say yes to fresh vegetables, fresh lean meats, organic dairy, and fresh fruit - even apples. I am really a very easy-going apple. I am much more normal than my critics will claim. Like any apple I enjoy a good roll in the barrel from time to time.

Fuming Fuji, what are your credentials?

My degree is in Fumology. This is often overlooked. I am highly-qualified to fume.

What do you say to the recent flap over your condemnation of applesauce? Is this a personal thing?

I would eat applesauce myself if it would help the seedlings grow into strong apples. Also, if I could eat. Applesauce is a sugar bucket of enzymeless ugly fruits not fit for the shiny produce section. It is generous to even call them fruits, really.

I see. Fuming Fuji, curious readers are dying to know: are you seeing anyone special? Is there a sweet lady who gets to the core of the Fuji?

While I am aware of the profound effect my appearance has on others, I would appreciate if you would remain professional and direct your advances to someone more appropriate for you. I am sure you would do very well with pears.

…Okay. Fuming Fuji, what is the single most important food that parents and caregivers should keep away from their children?

If I told you that I would have nothing to fume about! That is an old Fumology joke, by the way. There is always plenty that is fumable by its very nature. You will find that most seedlings’ snacks are some sticky, chewy conglomeration of milk and grain. Usually it is very high in sugar and artificial ingredients. Nutripals is a good example. Oooh, they make the Fuji really furious. I nearly lose my peel over those. Many products are marketed as healthy, such as Nutripals, yogurt, and cereal bars, and they are no different from what is found in a candy bar. The best advice for raising healthy seedlings is to keep their little mitts off anything in a box. That is all for today. I must prepare.

Thank you so much for taking the time to -

[End interview.]

* Dr. Johannes Cobbler, widely-renowned apple studies expert. To learn more about Dr. Cobbler’s contributions to academia, please see A Brief History of the Apple.

Technorati Tags: Fuming Fuji, children’s health, apple

Posted: Interviews, Raise Healthy Seedlings, The Fuming Fuji, Uncategorized