Marks Daily Apple
Serving up health and fitness insights (daily, of course) with a side of irreverence.

Archive for the ‘ The Sisson Spoof ’ Category

12 Apr

Never Fails to Inspire

nubbin

Have you gotten to know this little nutrition buddy brought to you by the FDA? If not, I think you ought to reconsider:

- Like many of the processed foods we enjoy in this great country, the exact nature of Labelman’s, er, origin, is difficult to ascertain. Is he a popsicle? A hot dog, perhaps? Maybe a tofu pup? I can’t stand it! I have to know!

- Fans need to know: Does Labelman work out? (If only we could all get muscles like that.) What is Labelman’s favorite shampoo? And is it true that Labelman is courting Zipperedtopgirl?

- Labelman decimates the burgeoning belief that the American government has become cynical and corrupt when it comes to health and nutrition. It doesn’t take a genius to see the level of creative sweat and tears that were clearly poured into this original, inspiring, visually dazzling creation! Like, duh! Even the unique and catchy name – Labelman – belies a sincerity and intensity of concern only our federal government is capable of.

I ask you, dear readers, if the Fuming Fuji met this vision of nutritional inspiration and personality (such brio!), what would happen? The world may soon find out…

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m totally disappointed by this half-hearted offering of nutritional guidance. I’m pretty sure even my pets could come up with something better. I mean, seriously – this is the best they can do with our tax dollars?

5 Apr

Why I’m Never Eating Another Salad

I’m feeling a little lost, Apples. My readers know that for over 20 years now, I’ve enjoyed a massive veggie-packed salad for lunch. At this point, the daily Sisson salad is just part of my identity.
So imagine the sense of betrayal – nay, dear readers, bereavement – when I learned that it. has. all. been. for. naught.

The reason I am never eating another salad is because Flat Earth Baked Veggie Crisps are the healthiest thing to come along since, well, plants. These “veggie” and “berry” crisps are just like eating real vegetables!

flatearth

Only not.

The brand marketing concept is so extended, it feels like homework: people used to think the earth was flat, just like people used to think that chips couldn’t be healthy. Get it? To help the message hit home, Flat Earth’s logo is a flying pig. Because people used to think chips couldn’t be healthy, because pigs would have to fly first, and…my head hurts. Read the fine print: “Beliefs can change!” says Flat Earth. I find this particularly amusing. A belief certainly can change, if you throw enough money and marketing at it. But beliefs aren’t facts – yet again and again, we act as if they are. Marketers know this.

Pigs don’t fly. Almost the real thing is nothing much at all. My politically incorrect opinion is that there is nothing admirable at all about the desire to create a “healthy” chip. In fact, I think it’s a big, fat ethical cop-out.

I know what some will say: at least it’s better than a regular old potato chip. We all need a few healthy indulgences. Their hearts were in the right place (psst…no they weren’t. Flat Earth is owned by Frito-Lay). Baloney. This is marketing, not health.

I’m so disgusted with this trend of making bad foods kinda-sorta healthy, as if mediocrity is an admirable quality. Compromise might feel nice, but how’s that health philosophy workin’ for us? Uncle Sam says “just try to make half your grains whole”. Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence in humans’ capacity for excellence, guys.

Flat Earth’s Baked Veggie Crisps may not be as ridiculous as 7Up Plus (known formerly as corn syrup and chemicals) or vitamin-enriched children’s “milk ‘n cereal” bars (known formerly as candy and sugary goo). But Flat Earth is not a “one serving exchange” of “real!” fruits or vegetables. A chip is not a vegetable, period. You can add in all the dehydrated stale carrots and tomatoes and berries that you want, but until I see Veggie Crisps growing on trees, I’m afraid I have to agree with their slogan: “Impossibly good”. It is impossible – hey, at least they’re honest!

29 Mar

Saving Sisson

What’s this? I’ll tell you what this is: nothing short of a tremendous relief for the health-minded!

With the new and improved 7up Plus, I’m well on my way to glowing good health and longevity. Wow, thanks, 7up! That 5% pesticide-laced apple juice concentrate, “plus” all that wonderful calcium, and natural chemicals (as opposed to synthetic ones) is nothing short of a magnanimous boon to public health. Why do I even bother? I might as well quit now.

7up

Except that I’m Mark Sisson, and Photoshop is way too much fun.
finally

15 Mar

From Pharma, with Love

“The measures reflect a growing body of research about discrepancies between journal articles and the full results of the studies behind them. Journal editors are also responding to the escalating debate in Washington on ensuring drug side effects are properly disclosed. In the wake of the withdrawal of Merck & Co.’s painkiller Vioxx over cardiovascular side effects, some legislators are calling for tougher safety scrutiny of drugs on the market.

The JAMA study last year said articles often cherry-picked strong results to report, even if those results were in a different area than the study was designed to test. Typically scientists set up clinical trials to answer one or two primary questions — for example, whether a drug reduces the risk of a heart attack and stroke. These are called the primary outcomes. The JAMA study found that 62% of trials had at least one primary outcome that was changed, added or omitted.”

(Source: the Wall Street Journal)

UPDATE 3/25/07: We have removed our spoof image of JAMA’s cover because some of our readers have alerted us that, upon closer inspection, the thumbnail of the JAMA issue, which depicts a cartoon examination scene, contains nudity. This was a complete, unintentional oops on our part! No offense was intended. (Though we have to wonder…why on earth is JAMA putting these sorts of depictions in their cover art in the first place?)

It’s no surprise anymore that the major medical journals are plastered with pharmaceutical advertisements – after all, when was the last time you visited a doctor’s office that wasn’t drowning in pharmaceutical marketing widgets? Nor is it a surprise that the very studies in medical journals (not the advertisements) are deceptively skewed in Big Pharma’s favor about two-thirds of the time.

I would think physicians and researchers would be appalled by the replete corruption. But when your own federal government spends more time telling you that vitamins are deadly – because a handful of terminally ill patients weren’t able to stave off inevitable death with a dose of knowingly worthless synthetic E – than it does being concerned about 60,000+ deaths from one drug alone, is it any wonder? That’s a lot of people – that’s more than many entire cities!

For decent people, it’s just a natural inclination to trust authorities claiming to be both knowledgeable and ethical. After all, that’s what we’re paying them for. The problem is, the pharmaceutical companies are paying them more – to the tune of 19 billion dollars. I have no doubt that many people working in the pharmaceutical industry are there with the best of intentions. I am not against drugs necessary to improve and save lives, of which there are many successes.

But I do have a problem with an overly-lenient and largely voluntary drug approval process that is a mockery of ethical standards. Because we trust journals and doctors so implicitly, we forget that, like any business, pharmaceuticals are in it for the money. It’s just business. Sometimes, the business creates good; but increasingly, it doesn’t, and the guardians of public health – the FDA, peer-reviewed journals, physicians – are, at best, manipulated, and at worst, corrupt.

Can you imagine if 60,000 people died from, say, anything but a federally-approved pharmaceutical? Say, echinacea. Grape juice. Ketchup. Anything – imagine the outcry.

I wish this were a conspiracy theory. I wish this were a minor problem. I wish people could say, “There goes Sisson with his indignant ranting again.”

But the facts are clear:

- Pharmaceutical studies are deceptive at least 62% of the time,

- The FDA, through a combination of voluntary adherence protocols and a poorly-designed approval process that rushes drugs through and fails to adequately follow up, inherently supports unnecessary deaths,

- Major journals such as JAMA can’t claim to be independent – come on! – when their advertisers are, by and large, pharmaceutical companies,

- Result: hundreds of thousands of people are sickened or killed by drugs every year.

Can you imagine if these shenanigans went on in any other industry?

It’s like that humorous response Jack Welch gave to Bill Gates for claiming computers were more reliable than cars (an urban legend, by the way, but still entertaining).

Let’s call a spade a spade.

Is it really so “outrageous” to have a problem with drug advertisements in medical journals?

Is it that “paranoid” to demand a more rigorous FDA approval process?

Is it “off-the-wall” to be bothered by the fact that I have to wade through an avalanche of pens, post-it pads and coffee mugs from GlaxoSmithKline every time I go to the doctor? If that makes me “radical”…

We live in an advertising age – everything is brought to you by something else, and sports stadiums are named after office equipment. I can’t catch a game without being reminded to go stock up on ink cartridge refills. So it’s no surprise, I guess, that this extends to drugs. If pharmaceuticals are saving hundreds of thousands of lives annually, but at a cost of thousands of lives, let’s at least be honest about the costs in terms of human lives. Who is rational and who is emotional here? The folks questioning the disparity between the marketing and the facts, or the economically-motivated (read: fearful) folks deriding anyone who criticizes them as “radical”?

 

 

 

8 Mar

The Sisson Spoof

Those Chemicals Sure Are Sparkly!

Vegan Porn (just check out the site) led me to this news item in the New York Times. Faced with angry parents tired of the vending machine mafia, increasing attention to the dangers of sugar (like I always say, sugar is the new trans fat), and a national obesity epidemic, soda makers are trying to come up with better marketing tactics.

Instead of pop or soda, carbonated corn-syrup-fests will now be referred to as “sparkling beverages”. And that’s going to stick? Not as well as your heel does in a day-old pop puddle.

For the first time in America, soda sales are down as people turn to bottled water, iced tea and other healthier choices. This is just ridiculous, frets Coke’s CEO, E. Neville Isdell, because “Diet and light brands are actually health and wellness brands.”

healthycoke

7up started fortifying its soda and making claims about being “all natural” back in 2004, to much furor. In my opinion, adding vitamin C to a can of chemicals isn’t going to do anyone any health favors. But, Isdell and his ilk are convinced this is the right – and healthy – way to go.

Okay. If this is any sign of the times, I see healthy brand extension opportunities here, and not just for soda – er, “sparkling beverages”:

Hard Apple Cider: “Now with selenium. Really puts the little tykes to sleep!”

Krispy Kreme Donuts: “Our tasty rings build crucial motor skills in toddlers. Don’t forget to try out Hostess donut holes for proper grip development!”

Kool-aid: “Yellow No. 5 helps kids learn to count!”

Fortified breakfast pastries: “Just think where your healthy diet would be without 2% of your RDA of iron!”

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