In the early days of Mark’s Daily Apple we used to have a little fun every now and again by covering ludicrous processed food monstrosities. There was the pizza cone, the deep fried potato on a stick, the deep fried macaroni and cheese ball, the Oreo pizza, and the chocolate chip pancakes and sausage on a stick to name just a few. To call these things “food” is almost an insult to all the natural, whole, real foods that nature has given us. “Junk food” is the go-to term for this garbage, but can’t we do better? How about “synthesnacks”? “Fake-o-food”? “Machine-o-meal”? “Foodraceuticals?” Meh. It needs some work. (Coin your own fake food term in the comment boards.)
Well, we were looking through the archives, feeling nostalgic, and this got us wondering what sort of new crackpot culinary creations are making the rounds on the net.
Here are some of the latest worth a good laugh (or a few tears…):
Were you angered by traffic this morning or awakened abruptly? Have you been feeling blue with the onset of winter or charged by the vigor of the holiday season? Would you describe your mood lately as generally optimistic and happy? Or are you plagued by an enigmatic anxiety or erratic energy? Has depression been a problem for you? Do you find yourself easily annoyed or frustrated?
We were as surprised as anyone when we read the latest study following the seeming success of so-called “mood eating” and its physiological response. The research, a collaborative endeavor of the Institute of Nutrition and Physiological Function and the Center for Complementary Nutrition Therapy, followed 17 participants for 5 weeks. Dr. Stephen Quatschen, head of the study, says subjects experienced emotional release and corresponding physiological changes from particular foods. It seems Quatschen and his associates have identified varieties of foods that appear to temporarily counter or enhance several common emotional moods. Food characteristics such as texture, smell, shape and color strongly figured into subjects’ responses.
How to Get Sick and Die, Part 2
The Definitive Guide
Every convenience restaurant, processed food manufacturer and prime time commercial wants to help you get sick and die! Isn’t that nice of them? And so far – despite a major media vegetable conspiracy – we’re doing pretty well, too. Although, there’s still a lot of progress to be made! More of us could be getting sick and dying! But you’ll at least be encouraged to learn that Americans:
- Are the fattest people around (basically).
Clearly, getting sick and dying is the American way. If you haven’t gotten busy with getting sick and dying, for the love of lard, what’s wrong with you? Do your patriotic duty! (If this is stressing you out, good! That’s one more great way to get sick and die, and it’s about time you joined the ranks of the most stressed-out people around.)
Fortunately, as I’ve said, it’s actually not that difficult to get sick and die. Millions of Americans are doing it, and you can, too. It may seem like the information and tools are being kept from you, but that’s just due to our silly, negligent media (those guys). Owned by greedy old men and aggressive lobbyists, the media help push the great vegetable conspiracy. But the information is there. In truth, you have all the food, retail options and lifestyle choices readily available at your fingertips! This is the silent majority, and it’s time to seize our stake. Don’t be left out! Come on, join the bandwagon that everyone else is already on anyway – wouldn’t it feel great to know you’re feeling as bad as you possibly can feel?
I’m going to tell you how – for free! There is nothing to purchase, ever! (Except more of the food that is available everywhere.) Why am I doing this, you ask? What’s in it for you, Mark?, you wonder. Well, it’s because this continent has almost caught up to us in the obesity department. And we’re losing our lead in heart disease. This is unacceptable! I won’t stop until our number oneyness is totally beyond what any other nation could ever hope to approach!
As promised, this week I’m going to highlight the best, most convenient foods to help us all get sick and die! I would say recipes, but cooking is part of the great vegetable conspiracy as well. Forget cooking – give me convenience! Here are the top three foods to get sick and die. You’ll be surprised to see that they are very common, popular items. They’re very easy to find! But does our biased media ever discuss the wonderful disease-inducing benefits of these fabulous foods? Of course not. Salad pushers.
Cheeseburgers. With bacon and extra mayonnaise, please. Try to get at least three packets squeezed in there. And here’s an industry secret: don’t bother with a Big Mac. Go to a real restaurant and order a gourmet burger – you’ll get at least twice the calories and fat. See what the media is keeping from you? (I commend the brave journalist who presented the burger findings.) McDonald’s is relentlessly attacked (Supersize Me, anyone?) yet the best way to get sick and die is right under your nose at every major restaurant chain! Media distortion as usual.
Pizza. But no thin crust wimpy pie with veggies! Pile on that spinal-dessicated meat and get a thick cheese-stuffed crust! Now you’re talking!
Burritos. Make sure to stuff that hefalump with lots of “steak” and “cheese” and “sauce”. The cheaper, the better! It’s my right to eat a meal the size of my foot, and it better be of questionable origin! Fortunately, if you order a burrito at most convenience joints, this is all taken care of.
The Definitive Guide: Part 1
Get sick and die. You know you need to. The government, dietitians and health experts remind us constantly – you simply can’t get sick and die if you don’t take the appropriate steps! That means logging plenty of hours on the sofa, eating your fill of fast food, and engaging in risky behaviors.
But finding the motivation and discipline to get sick and die isn’t easy. You’re not a celebrity with a posse of trainers, chefs and surgeons – you’re one of the millions of Americans desperate to experience your worst, look flabby and feel terrible. You’ve seen the news: tens of millions of Americans are already well on their way to getting sick and dying, yet you’re left out in the cold. What’s their secret? How are you supposed to wade through the avalanche of information to find the absolute worst, sickest, most disgusting lifestyle possible?
With a tight budget and busy schedule, I know that’s not always easy – but it can be! You may not be aware, but thousands of restaurants, stores and companies already offer convenient, inexpensive products and services that can help you get sick and die.
Why haven’t you heard about this before, you ask? Search no more. Here in this series, for the first time, you’ll get the real information you need, all in easy, clear terms. In fact, you may be surprised at how little you actually have to change in order to get sick and die. It’s really not so hard. No sacrifice. No uncomfortable physical activity, because that would be stressful. No strange pills or healthy supplements – only drugs approved by our government. And of course, no deprivation or starvation.
I’ve employed a team of researchers to find the absolute bottom-of-the-barrel, guaranteed-to-sicken recipes, tips and techniques for minimum health results. No guesswork. In fact, no work, period.
Here are five clicks to get you started on your way to getting sick and dying in no time! Now before you say, “Gosh, Mark, you must really love me; I too want to get sick and die!” don’t go giving me all the credit. I’m just telling you facts about food, fitness and health that everybody already follows! It’s not just chain restaurants. Even our FDA, federal government and health organizations like the American Diabetes Association support drug use, soda and refined sweets “in moderation”. But what I like most is that these leaders support a sensible, healthy weight range of 30 pounds per inch (Awesome metrics, BMI! It’s genius, is it not?).
This is just no-brainer stuff that you will discover you may already know about. Isn’t it a relief to know you can get sick and die with little change to the standard American lifestyle? Obviously we are doing everything right, or we would not be getting sick and dying faster than most other nations! You can help make us #1!
1. Get your omega-3′s! Everyone knows avocados are healthy. Duh. Eat them this way, though, and that pesky health issue is no longer a problem.
2. Why take vitamins? They’ve killed a few people who were gonna die anyway. We recommend prescription drugs instead, because they’ve killed millions! No comparison, homeys! Most Americans take several drugs daily – you don’t want to be left out, do you? How else will you get sick and die right away?
3. Eat fish. Everyone knows fish is great, but only if it’s cooked like this. Don’t forget the tartar sauce!
4. Don’t stress your body out by exercising. Exercise will make you live longer, and who wants that kind of pressure? Like we need that stress!
5. Avoid fat, because it will actually give you energy and make you live longer. (Jimmy covers this issue.) The low-carbers are part of a conspiracy with one goal in mind: making sure you lose weight and live longer – and maybe even cure those mood swings! Be sure to get a lot of sugar in your diet – The Man supports a minimum 6 servings of grain carbs a day and says it’s great for 3 of them to be refined. That guy knows what he is talking about – this is a completely effective way to get sick and die!
Next week, be sure to check out Part 2 of How to Get Sick and Die, when I’ll be highlighting wonderful recipes to help you get sick and die! Did you know meals like burritos, pizza, nachos, burgers and pasta are a sure-fire way to get sick and die? Yeah, neither did we, but how cool is that? You can eat all the regular American foods you know and love and still get sick and die in no time!
Morning, Apples! Our editor, Sara, pointed out a few great blog conversations going on in regards to fast food restaurants making – or rather, not making – nutrition information available (and subsequently gave herself an assignment!). We all had a lot of fun just now coming up with some not-so-pretty comparisons for this and future Sisson Spoofs. (I blogged about the problem with making nutritional information available in fast food restaurants here.)
After checking out today’s Spoof, I encourage you to join the blogosphere conversation by heading over to the Calorie Lab News and Brian’s Lose Weight With Me blogs. Speak up! I know you’ve got opinions!
The issue at hand: nutritional information inclusion on fast food restaurant menus. I suggest the following visual comparison format so the patrons of America might get a more accurate picture of what they’re about to consume. When everything in the restaurant is high in calories, fat, sugar and sodium, what good does publishing the numbers do? Because if you knew that…
A Big Mac sandwich (540 Calories, 29 grams of fat)
Was really like 60 deep fried pork rinds…
…then you might think twice.
(Click here for McDonald’s nutrition information.)
Remember when I blogged about KFC’s kick-the-bucket in a previous Spoof? You’ll be glad the Bees are such blog surfin’ fanatics, because this post from Jeff Kay at the Diet Blog is a can’t-miss. Scoot!
Next week’s comparison: What are you really getting when you bite into those avocado egg rolls from the Cheesecake Factory?
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