Mark’s Daily Apple

The Vegetable Conspiracy: Why You Should Avoid Greens at All Costs1

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How to Get Sick and Die, Part 2

The Definitive Guide

Every convenience restaurant, processed food manufacturer and prime time commercial wants to help you get sick and die! Isn’t that nice of them? And so far - despite a major media vegetable conspiracy - we’re doing pretty well, too. Although, there’s still a lot of progress to be made! More of us could be getting sick and dying! But you’ll at least be encouraged to learn that Americans:

- Don’t exercise.

- Are pretty sick anyway.

- Are really stressed out.

- Are the fattest people around (basically).

- Have not just one, but two epidemics going on. Yeah!

Clearly, getting sick and dying is the American way. If you haven’t gotten busy with getting sick and dying, for the love of lard, what’s wrong with you? Do your patriotic duty! (If this is stressing you out, good! That’s one more great way to get sick and die, and it’s about time you joined the ranks of the most stressed-out people around.)

Fortunately, as I’ve said, it’s actually not that difficult to get sick and die. Millions of Americans are doing it, and you can, too. It may seem like the information and tools are being kept from you, but that’s just due to our silly, negligent media (those guys). Owned by greedy old men and aggressive lobbyists, the media help push the great vegetable conspiracy. But the information is there. In truth, you have all the food, retail options and lifestyle choices readily available at your fingertips! This is the silent majority, and it’s time to seize our stake. Don’t be left out! Come on, join the bandwagon that everyone else is already on anyway - wouldn’t it feel great to know you’re feeling as bad as you possibly can feel?

I’m going to tell you how - for free! There is nothing to purchase, ever! (Except more of the food that is available everywhere.) Why am I doing this, you ask? What’s in it for you, Mark?, you wonder. Well, it’s because this continent has almost caught up to us in the obesity department. And we’re losing our lead in heart disease. This is unacceptable! I won’t stop until our number oneyness is totally beyond what any other nation could ever hope to approach!

As promised, this week I’m going to highlight the best, most convenient foods to help us all get sick and die! I would say recipes, but cooking is part of the great vegetable conspiracy as well. Forget cooking - give me convenience! Here are the top three foods to get sick and die. You’ll be surprised to see that they are very common, popular items. They’re very easy to find! But does our biased media ever discuss the wonderful disease-inducing benefits of these fabulous foods? Of course not. Salad pushers.

Cheeseburgers. With bacon and extra mayonnaise, please. Try to get at least three packets squeezed in there. And here’s an industry secret: don’t bother with a Big Mac. Go to a real restaurant and order a gourmet burger - you’ll get at least twice the calories and fat. See what the media is keeping from you? (I commend the brave journalist who presented the burger findings.) McDonald’s is relentlessly attacked (Supersize Me, anyone?) yet the best way to get sick and die is right under your nose at every major restaurant chain! Media distortion as usual.

Pizza. But no thin crust wimpy pie with veggies! Pile on that spinal-dessicated meat and get a thick cheese-stuffed crust! Now you’re talking!

Burritos. Make sure to stuff that hefalump with lots of “steak” and “cheese” and “sauce”. The cheaper, the better! It’s my right to eat a meal the size of my foot, and it better be of questionable origin! Fortunately, if you order a burrito at most convenience joints, this is all taken care of.

This is La Salsa’s Burrito

How to Get Sick and Die, Part 1

Disclaimer: Satire.

Posted: Big Agra, Carbs, Diet, Health, Humor, Men's Health, Nutrition, The Sisson Spoof, Uncategorized, Women's Health

How to Get Sick and Die1

The Definitive Guide: Part 1

Get sick and die. You know you need to. The government, dietitians and health experts remind us constantly – you simply can’t get sick and die if you don’t take the appropriate steps! That means logging plenty of hours on the sofa, eating your fill of fast food, and engaging in risky behaviors.

But finding the motivation and discipline to get sick and die isn’t easy. You’re not a celebrity with a posse of trainers, chefs and surgeons – you’re one of the millions of Americans desperate to experience your worst, look flabby and feel terrible. You’ve seen the news: tens of millions of Americans are already well on their way to getting sick and dying, yet you’re left out in the cold. What’s their secret? How are you supposed to wade through the avalanche of information to find the absolute worst, sickest, most disgusting lifestyle possible?

With a tight budget and busy schedule, I know that’s not always easy – but it can be! You may not be aware, but thousands of restaurants, stores and companies already offer convenient, inexpensive products and services that can help you get sick and die.

Why haven’t you heard about this before, you ask? Search no more. Here in this series, for the first time, you’ll get the real information you need, all in easy, clear terms. In fact, you may be surprised at how little you actually have to change in order to get sick and die. It’s really not so hard. No sacrifice. No uncomfortable physical activity, because that would be stressful. No strange pills or healthy supplements – only drugs approved by our government. And of course, no deprivation or starvation.

I’ve employed a team of researchers to find the absolute bottom-of-the-barrel, guaranteed-to-sicken recipes, tips and techniques for minimum health results. No guesswork. In fact, no work, period.

Here are five clicks to get you started on your way to getting sick and dying in no time! Now before you say, “Gosh, Mark, you must really love me; I too want to get sick and die!” don’t go giving me all the credit. I’m just telling you facts about food, fitness and health that everybody already follows! It’s not just chain restaurants. Even our FDA, federal government and health organizations like the American Diabetes Association support drug use, soda and refined sweets “in moderation”. But what I like most is that these leaders support a sensible, healthy weight range of 30 pounds per inch (Awesome metrics, BMI! It’s genius, is it not?).

This is just no-brainer stuff that you will discover you may already know about. Isn’t it a relief to know you can get sick and die with little change to the standard American lifestyle? Obviously we are doing everything right, or we would not be getting sick and dying faster than most other nations! You can help make us #1!

1. Get your omega-3’s! Everyone knows avocados are healthy. Duh. Eat them this way, though, and that pesky health issue is no longer a problem.

2. Why take vitamins? They’ve killed a few people who were gonna die anyway. We recommend prescription drugs instead, because they’ve killed millions! No comparison, homeys! Most Americans take several drugs daily - you don’t want to be left out, do you? How else will you get sick and die right away?

3. Eat fish. Everyone knows fish is great, but only if it’s cooked like this. Don’t forget the tartar sauce!

4. Don’t stress your body out by exercising. Exercise will make you live longer, and who wants that kind of pressure? Like we need that stress!

5. Avoid fat, because it will actually give you energy and make you live longer. (Jimmy covers this issue.) The low-carbers are part of a conspiracy with one goal in mind: making sure you lose weight and live longer - and maybe even cure those mood swings! Be sure to get a lot of sugar in your diet - The Man supports a minimum 6 servings of grain carbs a day and says it’s great for 3 of them to be refined. That guy knows what he is talking about - this is a completely effective way to get sick and die!

Next week, be sure to check out Part 2 of How to Get Sick and Die, when I’ll be highlighting wonderful recipes to help you get sick and die! Did you know meals like burritos, pizza, nachos, burgers and pasta are a sure-fire way to get sick and die? Yeah, neither did we, but how cool is that? You can eat all the regular American foods you know and love and still get sick and die in no time!

Are you horrified by this piece? Or do you love it? Tell me, and if you want, share it on Digg or Reddit.

Posted: Big Agra, Big Pharma, Carbs, Diet, Health, Humor, The Sisson Spoof, Uncategorized

1 Big Mac Is Worth 60 Pork Rinds2

Morning, Apples! Our editor, Sara, pointed out a few great blog conversations going on in regards to fast food restaurants making - or rather, not making - nutrition information available (and subsequently gave herself an assignment!). We all had a lot of fun just now coming up with some not-so-pretty comparisons for this and future Sisson Spoofs. (I blogged about the problem with making nutritional information available in fast food restaurants here.)

After checking out today’s Spoof, I encourage you to join the blogosphere conversation by heading over to the Calorie Lab News and Brian’s Lose Weight With Me blogs. Speak up! I know you’ve got opinions!

The issue at hand: nutritional information inclusion on fast food restaurant menus. I suggest the following visual comparison format so the patrons of America might get a more accurate picture of what they’re about to consume. When everything in the restaurant is high in calories, fat, sugar and sodium, what good does publishing the numbers do? Because if you knew that…

A Big Mac sandwich (540 Calories, 29 grams of fat)

(Jim Frazier Photo)

Was really like 60 deep fried pork rinds…

…then you might think twice.

(Click here for McDonald’s nutrition information.)

Remember when I blogged about KFC’s kick-the-bucket in a previous Spoof? You’ll be glad the Bees are such blog surfin’ fanatics, because this post from Jeff Kay at the Diet Blog is a can’t-miss. Scoot!

Next week’s comparison: What are you really getting when you bite into those avocado egg rolls from the Cheesecake Factory?

Posted: Diet, Health, Humor, Nutrition, The Sisson Spoof, Uncategorized

Never Fails to Inspire2

Have you gotten to know this little nutrition buddy brought to you by the FDA? If not, I think you ought to reconsider:

- Like many of the processed foods we enjoy in this great country, the exact nature of Labelman’s, er, origin, is difficult to ascertain. Is he a popsicle? A hot dog, perhaps? Maybe a tofu pup? I can’t stand it! I have to know!

- Fans need to know: Does Labelman work out? (If only we could all get muscles like that.) What is Labelman’s favorite shampoo? And is it true that Labelman is courting Zipperedtopgirl?

- Labelman decimates the burgeoning belief that the American government has become cynical and corrupt when it comes to health and nutrition. It doesn’t take a genius to see the level of creative sweat and tears that were clearly poured into this original, inspiring, visually dazzling creation! Like, duh! Even the unique and catchy name - Labelman - belies a sincerity and intensity of concern only our federal government is capable of.

I ask you, dear readers, if the Fuming Fuji met this vision of nutritional inspiration and personality (such brio!), what would happen? The world may soon find out…

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m totally disappointed by this half-hearted offering of nutritional guidance. I’m pretty sure even my pets could come up with something better. I mean, seriously - this is the best they can do with our tax dollars?

Posted: Diet, Health, Humor, Nutrition, Prevention, The Sisson Spoof, Uncategorized

Why I’m Never Eating Another Salad1

I’m feeling a little lost, Apples. My readers know that for over 20 years now, I’ve enjoyed a massive veggie-packed salad for lunch. At this point, the daily Sisson salad is just part of my identity.
So imagine the sense of betrayal - nay, dear readers, bereavement - when I learned that it. has. all. been. for. naught.

The reason I am never eating another salad is because Flat Earth Baked Veggie Crisps are the healthiest thing to come along since, well, plants. These “veggie” and “berry” crisps are just like eating real vegetables!

Only not.

The brand marketing concept is so extended, it feels like homework: people used to think the earth was flat, just like people used to think that chips couldn’t be healthy. Get it? To help the message hit home, Flat Earth’s logo is a flying pig. Because people used to think chips couldn’t be healthy, because pigs would have to fly first, and…my head hurts. Read the fine print: “Beliefs can change!” says Flat Earth. I find this particularly amusing. A belief certainly can change, if you throw enough money and marketing at it. But beliefs aren’t facts - yet again and again, we act as if they are. Marketers know this.

Pigs don’t fly. Almost the real thing is nothing much at all. My politically incorrect opinion is that there is nothing admirable at all about the desire to create a “healthy” chip. In fact, I think it’s a big, fat ethical cop-out.

I know what some will say: at least it’s better than a regular old potato chip. We all need a few healthy indulgences. Their hearts were in the right place (psst…no they weren’t. Flat Earth is owned by Frito-Lay). Baloney. This is marketing, not health.

I’m so disgusted with this trend of making bad foods kinda-sorta healthy, as if mediocrity is an admirable quality. Compromise might feel nice, but how’s that health philosophy workin’ for us? Uncle Sam says “just try to make half your grains whole”. Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence in humans’ capacity for excellence, guys.

Flat Earth’s Baked Veggie Crisps may not be as ridiculous as 7Up Plus (known formerly as corn syrup and chemicals) or vitamin-enriched children’s “milk ‘n cereal” bars (known formerly as candy and sugary goo). But Flat Earth is not a “one serving exchange” of “real!” fruits or vegetables. A chip is not a vegetable, period. You can add in all the dehydrated stale carrots and tomatoes and berries that you want, but until I see Veggie Crisps growing on trees, I’m afraid I have to agree with their slogan: “Impossibly good”. It is impossible - hey, at least they’re honest!

Posted: Big Agra, Carbs, Diet, Health, Humor, Hype, Nutrition, The Sisson Spoof, Uncategorized