No Ifs, Ands or Butter About It

- from Bosworth Magazine

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Posted By: Worker Bee

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In Search of a Good Poop (or Sh*t Happens)

Everyone does it. Before you run in fright from your computer screen, ask yourself if you really know sh*t about, well, sh*t. All we are saying is, give poop a chance. Friends, today, we explore the ins and outs of poo matters. Because poo matters. We are in search of a good poop, and we hope you are, too. Otherwise, some serious sh*t happens. Pull up a stool and learn.

The Scoop on Poop

What goes in must come out! Sans nutrients, of course. The Poop Report says:

Posted By: Worker Bee

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Candy Coated WHAT?

The Fuming Fuji does not know what to do, but it rhymes with dexplode. What is this product of unspeakable sugarness? Fuji is baffled. This is a very difficult thing, to baffle a genius.

Posted By: Worker Bee

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The Hypothetical Game

When I was a kid my best friend and I loved playing the hypothetical game. In case you are unfamiliar with this pastime it basically involves inquiring as to the minimum limits of compensation it would take to get the other person to experience something downright horrible. For example, “How much money would it take for you to run up to ugly Julie right now and kiss her on the mouth?” (We were juvenile, I know.) Or maybe, “How many Snickers would it take to get you to eat an entire earthworm?”

The consequences of such actions are fairly clear. My friend would probably be slapped by Julie and made a social pariah in the first case, and would likely vomit in the latter. Oh, but the sweet reward. We all have our price, and this is the beauty of the hypothetical game. (I think at age 10 it was somewhere around $100 and 2 1/2, respectively.)

Posted By: Aaron

3

Twinkie Dust Is Like Star Dust. Or Something. What?

In defense of the Twinkie (wait, haven’t we heard that one before?), the Important People at Hostess explain exasperatedly that trying to understand what the Twinkie is made of is just like trying to understand the entire universe. Look, this miniature sticky cake of chemicals is as mysterious and magical as the very cosmos in which we exist. Duh. Don’t you feel silly now?

Unfortunately, the Important People are not delusional in the slightest. Twinkies are made of dozens of chemicals and at least 5 different rocks, so in truth, these little loaves of limestone really kinda are the universe. It appears you can manufacture irony, and it requires only 39 ingredients. I feel the welling up of an existential crisis of the sort not experienced since I watched my landlord wear a Dolce & Gabbana jacket to fix the toilet. There are some things money can’t buy, but for everything else, there’s rent.

Posted By: Sara

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