Marks Daily Apple
Serving up health and fitness insights (daily, of course) with a side of irreverence.

Archive for the ‘ Humor ’ Category

21 Nov

Scientists Perplexed: Issue ‘Impossible Calorie’ Award

Researchers at Orchard University are burning the midnight oil as they attempt to determine how a single slice of the Cheesecake Factory’s carrot cake contains more calories than any of the combo “pick a number” meals at McDonald’s.

A professor leading the study quietly admitted to our reporters that we are probably closer to an understanding of string theory than a conclusive answer to what has been dubbed the “Carrot Cake Conundrum”. The professor has asked to remain anonymous to avoid jeopardizing her standing in the scientific community. “It’s the elephant in the room. No one wants to admit that we may never have an answer.”

The slice of carrot cake, which at 1 lb. weighs a lot more than even the largest of carrots, contains 1,560 calories. That’s well within the range of satisfying most people’s daily caloric intake needs. And it’s over twice the amount of calories in the Factory’s Original Cheesecake (a mere 710 calories).

Further confounding to the researchers is the fact that the cake does not appear to contain much carrot at all. The main ingredients are corn oil, cream cheese, eggs, butter, palm oil, butter, and hydrogenated palm oil. With 84 grams of fat crammed into six inches of sweetness, this dessert truly takes the cake.

The Cheesecake Factory does not reveal calories willingly – you really have to dig. Fortunately, there’s Google. Search “Cheesecake Factory nutrition information” and you’ll find lots of Factory quotes that all boil down to some variation of the following:

“Thank you for your interest in The Cheesecake Factory. Because we change our recipes and menu often, we do not currently have nutrition information for our menu selections.

Sincerely,

Guest Services for The Cheesecake Factory Restaurants, Inc.”

I think the more appropriate quote should be:

“Thank you for your interest in The Cheesecake Factory. Because we change our recipes and menu often, we [insert lie here].”

Here’s the Clickativity.
ImpossibleCalorieAward

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21 Nov

The Fuming Fuji Says No to Popcorn Shrimp!

FUJ

The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it’s aimed at the small fry. This week, the Fuming Fuji has decided to have a serious problem with popcorn shrimp.

But, Fuming Fuji, you ask, isn’t popcorn shrimp rich in protein? I thought seafood was healthy! Aren’t we supposed to eat more fish?

The Fuming Fuji says no!

The claim: Shrimp are a low-fat, high-protein food, and we all know seafood is very good for you. So what’s a little bit of breading?

The catch: Popcorn shrimp are breaded in a chemical-bleached-flour concoction. Next, they are fried in trans-fats. Also, shrimp are disgusting.

The comeback: But Fuming Fuji, isn’t a little fat okay? It’s better than fried chicken, right?

The conclusion:
Shrimp are very bad for you, especially when dipped in a sugary mess of flour and deep-fried. Shrimp are not your friends. They are not fish. They are sea-bugs.

The catchphrase: Do not eat fried bugs of the sea!

Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.

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20 Nov

Humble Goals

One more thing on fried Coke bonbons, from the creator’s mouth (who I am sure is a perfectly nice guy), one Mr. Gonzales:

The best I can hope for is that it’s the original and hopefully the best fried Coke out there.”

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20 Nov

What – Lardsicles Didn’t Have Enough Carbs?

Just when I think I’ve seen it all, along comes fried Coke. Earlier this year I saw a major Southern California “quick service” food chain promoting their deep-fried fries. That’s right – fries that are breaded and … fried.

I barely had time to recover from that one before fried soda burst onto the scene in several versions. There are fried Coke rings, in which the corn-syrup liquid is frozen, breaded in some variation of corn starch, and deep fried in (of course) corn oil.

The article linked below highlights what appear to be deep-fried Coke bonbons. Fortunately, they are drizzled with syrup and powdered sugar, thereby accelerating consumers from mere obesity, diabetes and heart disease to plain old death. I’m glad to see that science and the spirit of innovation are alive and well across our great land. Of that, we can be proud. Besides, next year, plans are in the works for a version that really keeps your health in mind:

“Next year’s fair-goers can look forward to fried Sprite or — for those watching their weight — fried diet Coke.”

Here’s the clickativity for the above quote and the story.

friedcoke

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17 Nov

Tuno? My Money’s on Mocky-Mahi Next

Why eat tuna when you could eat…Tuno? That’s what Peta is hoping you’ll want to do. They offer 10 reasons to eschew eating all our dear fish friends, from tuna to salmon (here’s the clickativity).

In actuality, they offer two reasons, five different ways (human health, fish feel pain). I get a little peeved by this kind of repetitive illogic. Just make your two reasons convincing!

That said, I don’t really have anything against Peta, or against vegetarians. My wife and son have both tried vegetarianism in different forms over the years. I’ve never really understood the people who have an actual problem with vegetarians’ motives. While I personally believe eating fish and meat is healthy and natural, and I think Tuno is just plain ridiculous, I’m stumped by the anger I see at times. Call vegetarianism sentimental or unnatural if you like, but think about it: “I’m gonna get really riled up about the fact that you’re trying to be…nice.” I just don’t see how vegheads are threatening, but then, I also know real men aren’t afraid of salad.

As far as Tuno is concerned, I do want to suggest that you avoid mock-meats or faux-fish in whatever latest incarnation you see. While mercury toxicity is a concern if you eat a lot of fish, particularly tropical-water fish, let’s think about the alternatives being prescribed. Eating a processed soy- or grain-based artificial food is hardly a reasonable alternative.

Here’s an incredibly easy rule of thumb: did the food start this way? An apple started as an apple. A filet of fish started as fish. Foods people typically think are “healthy”, such as fruit leather, protein bars, and now Tuno, really aren’t much better for you than what you’d find in your local middle school vending machine (now there’s another peeve!). Though there are a few exceptions, I will say that any food that is highly-processed and generally unrecognizable from where it started is not fuel fit for consumption. Really.

tuna

Two easy solutions to the mercury concerns:

1) Eat mostly cold-water fish, such as Alaskan salmon and Arctic cod.

2) Supplement with an Rx-quality, filtered fish oil.

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