So we’re beating a dead llama here, but it’s just flabbergasting that the newest weight-loss gimmick, alli, has made it so far. Maybe I’m just grumpy today. This pill is a) all but ineffective, b) dangerous, c) embarrassing, d) expensive, and e) a retread of an old drug nobody wanted. As you may well know, the blogosphere is having a lot of tawdry fun with this. Here are the best (and – relatively – cleanest) links.
Is this our world?
9. GSK Asks You: “Are You Losing It?”
GlaxoSmithKline wants to know if you are losing it. Hmm. This appears to be a case of psychological projection. Glaxo, call us. We know a great therapist.
8. The Gift That Keeps on Giving
After ruining your social life, thrashing your digestive tract, and depleting critical vitamins from your body, alli increases your risk of colon cancer. Just ‘cuz.
7. But, But…It Comes with a Shiny Book!
Would you really want this on your coffee table?
6. “It’s Gonna Take Work on Your Part Too.”
Because our part doesn’t work.
5. In Case You Needed Convincing, the FDA Really Does Not Give a…
But, boy oh boy, you sure will. Do not eat any fat if you take alli (k. d. lang must be excited about GSK’s super-trendy capitalization choice). Avoiding fat is a smart way to get diabetes and depression, but at least you won’t have any trouble with regularity. The results of fat + alli = not pretty. Oh, and alli depletes vitamins from your body. So just like the sailors of yesteryear, you too can experience the joys of rickets. And we can all agree there’s nothing better than experiencing history first-hand.
4. Why Did They Have to Ruin Pizza Forever?
Thanks, Glaxo. Thanks a lot. “You’re probably curious about what alli does in your body.” Why would you draw a pizza comparison to your disgusting drug? What did pizza ever do to you? That’s just rude.
3. So You Want to Take Alli?
Terrific! You’ll just need to diet, exercise, get healthy, and then wait six months. You’ll (maybe) lose five whoppin’ pounds beyond what all that regular exercising and dieting would yield you after six months. People, those five whole pounds will only cost you $360 bucks, your health, and your dignity, so what’s not to love? Come on, you wanted a new wardrobe anyway.
2. When Your Drug Is a Bust…Slap a New Name on It!
Alli is just a lower dosage of xenical (generic orlistat). This weight loss drug bombed as an Rx – apparently people got sick of having to keep an extra pair of dark clothing on hand. Babies.
1. With Allis Like This, Who Needs Enemas?
The Bitter Pill Award goes to Alli, your partner in oily spotting. The incredible thing is that GSK is totally upfront about how terrible alli is…and they’re still selling it. What a world.
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When did bare minimum standards of decency become selling points?
If you (you being a corporation richer than most countries) feel compelled to brag about your chicken nuggets being “all white meat”, I don’t envy your marketers. They’ve got quite the task set before them. Then again…do they? We seem to have lowered our standards.
When I see an ad like this (among many), trying to convince me that I should feed my kids chicken nuggets because they are actually made of real meat, I don’t feel inspired. I feel like grabbing my kids and keeping them as far away from a fast food restaurant as possible for the rest of their lives. “All” white meat? Oh, sure, now I’ll go for them. What were they before?!?
I’m concerned that society’s standards for what is acceptable quality are slipping. Forget slope. This is an avalanche.
Juice makers actually brag about the product containing…juice.
Nuggets are proudly made of…meat.
Mac ‘n cheese is made with… real cheese.
All these products spend insane amounts of money just to tell you that their products are made of exactly what any rational person would expect them to be made of. This is the equivalent of good behavior for food manufacturers. Personally, I am unimpressed. “Oh, you mean you’re not lying to me? Wow! Go you!”
What would be lower than the bare minimum? Oh yeah, everything.
The irony, of course, is that dark meat is not even unhealthy (Sara recently asked: “What’s with the white meat superiority complex?“). It’s the deep frying and additives.
What we really need more of is drinkable grains.
As if most beverages weren’t already liquid grains, the food producers of America are uniting once again to help you in your quest for diabetes (or at least a respectable gut). Since everyone knows that grains are super healthy, you can expect the trend of grain-based drinks to continue.
That’s according to a report from Food Processing, which notes that in recent years we’ve seen the rise of alternatives to dairy (not a bad thing – sorry, Big Moo). Almond milk, soy milk and rice milk have become popular, but even hemp milk is an option these days.
Of course, the marketing trend of drinkable grains is not entirely accurate, as most of these non-dairy beverages are actually made from nuts and beans. So, if you’re really concerned about drinking your grains, you’ll be relieved to know that things like soda, beer, and energy drinks are already made from grains! That’s right. Drinkable grains are not really news, as it turns out, because we’ve already had them for a long time!
The bottom line: you can enjoy all the beverages you love and still get plenty of grains in your diet.
How, you ask? Well, silly, because corn is a grain! Many people think corn is a vegetable. It is not. Corn is a delightful grain completely lacking in vitamins, antioxidants, fiber and protein. It’s pretty superficial, and I dig that. Even better, the type of sweetener manufacturers make from this most excellent kernel corrodes your arteries and raises your blood sugar. What’s uber rad is that this sweetener – high fructose corn syrup – is in pretty much everything, so you don’t even have to look for it. No, seriously, everything: sauces, syrups, spreads, drinks, snacks, candies, fruit snacks, juices, sodas, frozen foods, and desserts. Everything!
I found this chocolate fudge cola at my local grocery store. Score! I am totally gonna be drinking my grains now!
To get your daily recommended intake of grains – you need at least 6, remember – you can do the following:
- Drink 3 Coca-Colas
- Eat 1 donut and 2 cupcakes, or 1 cupcake and 2 donuts, or 1.5 donuts and 1.5 cupcakes
- You could also eat 3 brownies if you were born in the 70s
Do not forget: flavored sauces containing corn syrup count as a grain! It all counts. Give that chicken breast something to feel good about!
You can eat 3 of any sweet, refined treat, and you’ll be getting half your daily intake of grains! Don’t worry, this is all in step with the U.S. government’s dietary recommendations, which are to eat 6-11 grain servings daily, only half of which need to be whole grains (“Make half your grains whole”).
I am a bit of a princess, as you all know, so I will be eating eclairs. I want the expensive diabetes. With enough work, maybe I can even look like Labelman.
We’re all for the first amendment right to free speech, but in the interest of public health something really should be done about the misleading claims in those shiny, happy pharmaceutical commercials. To the drug makers that bombard us with them, and the U.S. Representatives that didn’t take a tougher stance goes the coveted Rotten Apple Award.
What do you think, Apples?
The Fuming Fuji is outraged at the marketing of toxic food, especially when it is aimed at the small fry. This week, El Fritter has decided to have a serious problem with Kellogg’s.
But, Fuming Fuji, you’ve been very vocal of late about your feud with David MacKay, Kellogg’s CEO. This seems like a thinly veiled attempt to lash out at your rival. What could you possibly have to gripe about when it comes to Kellogg’s? They just announced they’re making many of their foods healthier – and they will no longer be marketing sugary products to children under 12!
The Fuming Fuji says no!
The claim: Fuji, clearly this is personal. I don’t even want to hear it. In fact, I’m starting to think you just have a problem with breakfast. In the last six months, you’ve fumed against breakfast bars, breakfast cereals, breakfast waffles. Maybe you just need therapy, Fuji.
The catch: Clearly you are projecting. The Fuji cannot help you with that, he is not trained in psychotherapy. While MacKay and the Fuji have been feuding with a furor only outdone by Rosie and Donald, this has nothing to do with my anger over his hypocrisy. I am furious about the junk that Kellogg’s slings at the small fry! Big Agra’s tartlets of pop and not-berry death nuggets should not fool anybody, even you, my carbaceous foe.
The comeback: Rosie and Donald Trump, huh. I wouldn’t go that far. You’re an apple. Maybe Paris and Nicole, though.
Here’s my “carbaceous” opinion: So Kellogg’s will still be selling products they decide they cannot reformulate into healthier versions – yeah, maybe that’s a tad disingenuous. Okay, maybe a lot, actually. Wait, where was I going with this?
Oh, yeah! At least they’re not going to market unchanged products to kids, and they won’t be using cartoons to hawk the junkier stuff. Isn’t a little progress better than none? Snap! I think you’re just being stubborn, Fuji. Some would say obtuse.
The conclusion: Good for you and your knowledge of angles. Unfortunately for you I have the right angle. Ha, ha. That is a little geometry joke. I do not know this “snap” you speak of, but his cousin Crackle is a real little weasel, let me tell you.
Mark the Fuji’s words: Kellogg’s will not change very much. What little they change they will brag about like they invented Christmas.
The catchphrase: Kellogg’s: new and improved, because we didn’t feel like a lawsuit!
Disclaimer: Mark Sisson and the Worker Bees do not necessarily endorse the views of the Fuming Fuji.
Hat Tip: Get the full scoop (food police lawsuit, ensuing settlement, ensuing “we felt like changing, no reason, really” announcement from Kellogg’s, and the ensuing blogosphere buzz) at the informative youth advocacy blog Shaping Youth. Thanks, Amy!
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