Marks Daily Apple
Serving up health and fitness insights (daily, of course) with a side of irreverence.
15 Jan

An Open Letter to Taco Bell

Dear Taco Bell,

It has come to my attention that you have recently created a Drive-Thru Diet. You are clearly taking bold new steps to change the way Americans view healthy eating, so I am writing this letter to express my gratitude and enthusiasm and to offer insight for further improvement.

I first noticed your “Drive-Thru Diet” ad on a billboard outside of a childrens’ extra-curricular learning studio in west Los Angeles. Ever the inquiring mind, I visited Tacobell.com for some heavy research. I read Christine Dougherty’s 80 word story about losing 50 lbs over 2 years with Taco Bell. Very convincing. Then I watched TV personality Chris Rose interview four paid actors, and every single actor praised Taco Bell’s seven healthy Fresco menu items. Next I learned from registered dietitian Ruth Carey that some food choices are nutritionally better than others. These people clearly weren’t lying. The Drive-Thru Diet looked legitimate, so I decided to make a Frescolution. I hit a road block when attempting to fill out my pledge. The form required me to fill out “what I know.” I attempted to write, “I live a healthy lifestyle based on the 10 immutable Primal laws validated by two million years of human evolution…,” but Taco Bell overrode that with, “My idea of exercise involves the all-you-can-eat buffet marathon.” Oh well, I suppose what I know isn’t nearly as important as eating Taco Bell Fresco menu items.

So here I am, having soaked up the thorough and detailed information on your website, almost ready to embark on my two year plan of eating Taco Bell food every day. However, I have a few simple questions before starting such an exciting, healthy journey.

First, I am slightly confused by the math of calorie reduction. I understand that a Fresco taco is 20 calories less than a regular taco (kudos for that feat of engineering!). If I am trying to reduce my daily consumption by 500 calories by eating Fresco tacos rather than regular tacos, does that mean I need to eat 25 Fresco tacos a day? (20 calorie reduction x 25 = 500 calorie reduction). That means I need to eat roughly six tacos a meal, including, of course, fourthmeal. Speaking of which…

I am still trying to work out the logistics of fourthmeal. If I eat fourthmeal after midnight, is it technically firstmeal? In calculating daily calories, which day does fourthmeal count for? If I eat fourthmeal at the stroke of midnight, does it count for both days or neither? And also, if I eat fourthmeal every day, when do I sleep?

Finally, what exactly did Christine eat? If I know the combination of Taco Bell choices she made, I would feel much more confident moving forward. Did she keep a food log?

Once you have answered my questions, I will be delighted to fulfill my Frescolution.

Additionally, while I have no criticism of your company or your dietary philosophy, I do see room for improvement in your quest to convert American eaters into healthy decision makers. Below, I’ve listed a few possible menu adjustments…

1. A “Sans Queso!”option

After close scrutiny of your seven Fresco menu items, I discovered the secret to your revolutionary way of creating healthy foods: You replace the cheese with tomatoes. I’m no food lab scientist, but with careful engineering it seems you could apply the Cheese Removal Principle to not just seven menu items, but to every single product you offer. Call it “Sans Queso!” and you’ve got an entire menu full of super-healthy foods. Want a healthy Mexican pizza? Sans Qeuso! it. Sans queso! that volcano nachos and you’ve turned a 1,000 calorie item into a 920 calorie health food. It’s not a reduction of quantity, it’s an upgrade of health. You can even charge an extra thirty cents to Sans Queso! a food. The new anti-supersize.

2. A calorie total at purchase – All your food items have calorie amounts the same as they have prices. How hard would it be to include a function on the cash register that adds up the total calories of the foods purchased and prints it on the receipt? Heck, take it a step further and tell the customer directly, “Your total is $8.76 and your calorie total is 2,400. Would you like to Sans Queso! your meal for an extra thirty cents?” Bam. Satisfied customer, more profit, and less wasted ingredients. Is that genius or what?

3. Salsa – I’m not one to make rude accusations, but it does occur to me that you are a Mexican restaurant without a salsa bar. I do respect your little border sauce packets of modified food starch, autolyzed yeast extract, sugar, onion juice, and xantham gum, but including a secondary option of fresh chopped tomatoes, onions, and tomatillas could improve both taste and the amount of nutrients your customers consume. So get yourself a salsa bar. People like salsa and they like bars, it’s a win-win.

4. An “UnFried Salad” – The traditional Taco Bell Mexican salad sits in an edible bowl of fried enriched bleached flour and corn. That fried bowl sits in a second, plastic bowl. I suggest removing the edible bowl and placing the salad directly into the plastic bowl. You may have concerns about the way customers will react to this “one bowl” concept. The problem can be solved easily by using a “do not eat this bowl” warning label. Fill the plastic bowl with a bed of lettuce, grilled chicken, salsa from your newly installed salsa bar, and a couple slices of avocado (the fresh kind, not the green stuff I’ve seen your employees squeeze out of a caulking gun) That’s a healthy menu item if ever there was one. Sans Queso! that salad for thirty cents and make it even healthier.

5. Water – I can’t help but notice the 32 oz cup of Diet Pepsi that accompanies all the pictures of your Fresco menu foods. Have you considered creating a 32 oz cup that says, “Water!” I’ve never seen a fast food water cup before. Taco Bell could be the first.

6. Rename all products according to the Gordita methodology

I’d never heard of a Gordita before you added one to your menu. I had to pull out the old translation dictionary to learn that “gordita” is Spanish for “chubby.” What a brilliant concept! Right there in the name of the food you’ve included a warning for how the food will make you look and feel. I love it! You should rename other menu items to include similar warnings. A nacho bell grande could be called an “estomago grande,” a caramel empanada could be a “caramel diabetica,” and a mexican pizza could simply be “El Diarrea.”

7. A weekly taco limit – Like the bartender who cuts off the alcoholic, set a hard limit on the number of tacos a customer can buy. Consult Ruth Carey, your registered dietitian, and figure out how many tacos a week someone must eat to remain healthy. Never sell a customer more than that number.

Last, but certainly not least…

8. TELL PEOPLE WHERE YOUR MEAT COMES FROM – Consumers are fickle, skeptical doubters, and I’m sure you’ve heard some of the rumors and urban legends surrounding the origins of your meat. To jog your memory, there have been claims that your meat is of lower quality than dog food meat; that it contains feces; that there are fingernail fragments, human blood, ash, worm, copper wire residue, cellophane, and bits of Jimmy Hoffa floating around in your meat. While I’m fairly certain these accusations are false, I was unable to find any information on your website as to meat origin and quality. I even called your hotline, with no further success. Why not replace one of the 3 giant 5 layer burrito posters on each store using the third to show a picture of the grass fed, grass finished cows that I’m sure you use to make those burritos.

I do realize making these changes may take a small upfront investment. Because I feel as responsible for America’s health as I’m sure you do, I am willing to put my money where my mouth is. If you make all eight of the suggested changes, I will donate $10,000 to a charity of your choice (perhaps the American Diabetes Association?). Thank you for reading my letter and for creating a diet that does not require me to leave my car. Maybe one day you will take the next step by creating a “Delivery Diet” so I won’t have to leave my house.

Yours in good health,

Mark Sisson

You want comments? We got comments:

Imagine you’re George Clooney. Take a moment to admire your grooming and wit. Okay, now imagine someone walks up to you and asks, “What’s your name?” You say, “I’m George Clooney.” Or maybe you say, “I’m the Clooninator!” You don’t say “I’m George of George Clooney Sells Movies Blog” and you certainly don’t say, “I’m Clooney Weight Loss Plan”. So while spam is technically meat, it ain’t anywhere near Primal. Please nickname yourself something your friends would call you.

  1. I love this article, just hilarious.

    Jeff wrote on November 10th, 2010
  2. healthy eating should be our top priority since there are many junk foods and foods with no nutritional value these days :’.

    Desk Antiques wrote on November 16th, 2010
  3. That is absolutely hillarious, Mark! I really hope you sent this and received a reply.

    I think I actually would lose weight if I limited my food intake to Taco Bell–it’s flavorless diahrrea fodder. I’d hazzard to guess that if it weren’t for after-bar drunk runs, Taco Bell wouldn’t have enough customers to stay afloat. Only someone with impaired judgement could think that stuff tastes good.

    fritzy wrote on January 16th, 2011
  4. While I agree with some of your points, there are a few that step over some boundaries. #2 the Calorie total at purchase, to announce the total calories could be embarrassing because everyone would hear. If you think that would make everyone eat healthier, you’re wrong. Pus, what if the order is a meal for more than one person? If I ever got a calorie count when buying food I’d walk out.

    #5 Water. There are two reasons fast food places don’t have this option. Since water is considered a “free” drink, they can’t charge for it. Also, people would get the 32-oz cup and, because most places have the soda fountain were the costumer serves themselves, people could fill it with soda without paying for it. Sad, but there are people who would do it. Other than that, it would be a good idea.

    #7 Weekly limit. This is over stepping so many boundaries it’s sad. As I mentioned earlier, what if someone is buying tacos for a party or a family meal? When they hit the limit how would that be dealt with? How would Taco Bell know how many tacos someone has had already that week? And what business is it of theirs, or anyone but the costumers how many tacos they have in a week? Don’t use the “While overweight people can’t control themselves” or “Overweight people need to be protected from themselves” arguments. It isn’t right. That would be like saying if you’re family only makes x amount of money in a month, you can have one child. It is not, and should never be, up to those who eat healthy to rule over the diets of those who don’t.

    Like I said earlier, I do agree on some of your points, but two of your suggestions step over lines that no company should step over.

    JBauer wrote on February 3rd, 2011
  5. Hahahahahahahahahahaha… i like its..

    Kids Typing Games| Typing Lessons wrote on February 7th, 2011
  6. nice shared! I’m sure lovely this article.
    For some days, I find most of source about this topic.
    Done, I find complete here.

    thanks,

    new global news wrote on February 11th, 2011
  7. best!excellent website!

    sakisgalan wrote on March 9th, 2011
  8. why the hell would anyone have Taco Bell as a diet plan..it’s still Taco Bell lol. I think i’ll pass on that lol.

    slim dream wrote on March 23rd, 2011
  9. I’ve read a couple of your entries. Love your tortilla recipe & the letter to Taco Bell. You have great thoughts – thanks for sharing them. I have shared you on my FB page.

    little me wrote on April 23rd, 2011
  10. thank you for this.. i love tex-mex food.. but i am a little confused as to how it fits with primal.. though we weren’t there when primal was.. even in the alamo!

    melanie wrote on April 25th, 2011
  11. LEGENDARY!!

    JT wrote on April 28th, 2011
  12. Actually i’m a huge fan of the drive thru diet menu…as a vegan i can get my fresco style bean burrito for $1 and it fills me up at only 350 calories.

    props to taco bell for offering healthy options. I mean a crunch wrap supreme has 540 calories.

    just saying, props to taco bell for offering both healthy and vegan alternatives. thats better than most fast food places

    Izzy wrote on May 13th, 2011
  13. I have noticed that online diploma is getting favorite because accomplishing your degree online has changed into a popular alternative for many people. A huge number of people have not really had a chance to attend a regular college or university however seek the increased earning possibilities and a better job that a Bachelors Degree offers. Still other people might have a degree in one discipline but wish to pursue a thing they already have an interest in.

    Randall Dykema wrote on June 15th, 2011
  14. That might have been the funniest letter ever. I can already hear the crickets of Taco Bell responding. I am guessing they haven’t sent you anything back.

    Jojo wrote on June 21st, 2011
  15. “Sans queso! that volcano nachos and you’ve turned a 1,000 calorie item into a 920 calorie health food.”

    You have no idea about anything that a healthy diet includes. A 920 calorie health food? Are you kidding me? I can’t imagine what you eat when you don’t eat healthy, you must be huge.

    Zakk Amkraut wrote on July 4th, 2011
  16. Amen about the water cups! I can’t order more than a small cup of water at any fast food chain without them giving me attitude. How hard is it to make water an option??

    Karen wrote on December 6th, 2011
  17. Putting the sights on taco bell for their rationalization sales pitches might be missing the forest for the trees when it comes to the fast food industry as a whole. Taco bell is no different than any restaurant actually. Any food seller must take the cheapest possible ingredients they can find and convert them into something people want to eat, and what they can make a profit on after covering their expenses of delivering. Note that I said “what people want”. Because people generally will pay for what they want and discount what they need, or just whine about not being able to afford. Burger King’s spookier-than-hell giant head King campaign was to cover up the abandonment of their “healthy” menu. It seemed that having fresh ingredients and healthier choices wasn’t as lucrative selling a nickel’s worth of french fries going out the window for every 2 bucks coming in. It’s just a reality of business and the industry as a whole. The secret really is giving people what they “want”, and if a little sales-pitch of “healthy” helps calm the customer’s fast food stigma, more power to the industry. People know that food is garbage. If they don’t, well then too bad it’s a dog eat dog world. Let them keep listening to the television for their government approved cow fattening food pyramid beliefs. They’re addicted to the insulin spikes and like falling asleep at work after a 2000 calorie lunch. Personally the $2.50 cost of a soft drink pushed me out of the drive through years ago. Maybe when taco bell dumps it’s “healthy” frescolution whatever we won’t be assaulted by a giant spooky taco head thing during every prime-time commercial break. And taco bell can go back to selling crap to the people who want to put garbage in their bodies. I surely don’t fault them for it. They are filling a demand, making good money, are owned along with many of the other chains by Yum brands and probably part of your 401k or as a fortune 500 company sure should be…

    Rich in Illinois wrote on January 14th, 2012
  18. It’s hard to feel sympathetic to people who choose to eat fast food, then complain about it. You made the choice. If I am eating fast food, there’s a very good chance its 3 in the morning on a Saturday after a visit to the pub. So, I don’t care much about health at that moment. But a low-cal diet would imply that you do in fact care, and if that is the case, why even eat there? I find low-cal diets on fast food menus to be the equivalent of filters on cigarettes: what’s the point? While your cause is indeed noble, as we all know the world could stand to lose a few pounds, this is like taking an icepick to an iceberg. Plain and simple, people choose to eat there, and whether they think they are making a healthy choice, they are not.

    O_o wrote on June 3rd, 2012
  19. It’s called salad, not salsa.

    Alex wrote on July 6th, 2012
  20. hahaha if you really wanted to be healthy, then you wouldn’t spend your “meal time” in a drive-thru. You would cook your own meals & find healthier choices for snacks etc. your not going to find a diet miracle in a damn cheeseburger or anything from taco bell. I don’t care how healthy they claim their food is. so if you really are serious about eating better, then get off your lazy ass and go to the grocery store & keep that $10,000. idiot.

    Slim Healthy American wrote on August 7th, 2012
  21. I have loved TacoBell for 40+ years, but have given it up.

    In the last few years, they have used every excuse and “food safety scare” to delete veggies from their products.

    First, black olives disappeared.

    A tomato scare = NO tomatoes at the Bell. Lots of screaming seemed to bring them back.

    Then there was a green onion scare, and green onions were permanently deleted.

    Not only are there numerous stories about where the meat comes from, but there is WHEAT IN THE MEAT!

    More and more unhealthy.

    I’d give anything for a fast food, gluten free, preferably paleo place.

    Rachel H wrote on August 13th, 2012
  22. have you ever thought about comeing back out with bellburgers?

    shelley porter wrote on September 22nd, 2012
  23. This was great. I personally haven’t eaten taco bell in years.

    Morgan | Wrinkle Treatment wrote on May 29th, 2014

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