Marks Daily Apple
Serving up health and fitness insights (daily, of course) with a side of irreverence.
1 Apr

9 Overlooked Stipulations in the Health Care Reform Bill

While preexisting conditions and required coverage have taken the main stage on the health care reform bill, many of the smaller changes hold just as much weight in the future of America’s health. These changes and additions have been largely ignored by mainstream media despite several billion dollars allocated to new preventative care initiatives.

Additionally, the bill includes some surprising fine print regulations. Most regulations won’t take effect immediately, but the sum of so many new laws and restrictions could cause major repercussions on our system over the next several years.

Finally, while the bill is certainly heavy on spending, there are several programs included to reduce overall health care costs, but such programs appear highly unorthodox on a first reading. The Worker Bees and I have combed through thousands of pages of minutiae to find nine lesser known stipulations, clauses, regulations, and programs in the new bill.

1. Emergency Lap-Band treatments covered under government-offered insurance plan.

Lap-Band surgery has been credited as a legitimate and necessary procedure in certain situations and will be covered entirely under state and government assisted plans. Because many pundits claim the procedure is unnecessary, the surgery will be reserved for patients who have already exhausted conventional forms of weight loss such as eating low fat foods and running on a treadmill.

2. Insurance documentation course to be added to elementary education.

To prepare youngsters for future medical decision making, all public elementary schools will be required to teach an insurance documentation course to fourth grade students. Children will learn how to read insurance jargon and how to navigate through red tape when denied treatment for the first time. Additionally, students will learn life-practical skills such as how to pressure a PCP into prescribing the most heavily advertised medications, and what to pack into an emergency kit in case of total medical system failure. The insurance course will replace elementary physical education.

3. Indigestible feces content in CAFO beef to be eradicated.

Due to recent public outcry over meat and poultry production standards which permit “acceptable” levels of feces in market meats, a new policy will reduce the allowable feces content in CAFO beef to 0% by the year 2014. While eliminating feces from CAFO-raised products is impossible, a 73 million dollar stipend has been awarded to Monsanto to genetically modify cows to produce nutrient dense, flavor-rich, digestible feces. Incorporating the genetically modified, safe cow waste into meat would completely bypass all feces restrictions. The digestible feces should hit fans by 2012.

4. Statins approved for general consumption, given the go-ahead as a food additive.

Many popular cholesterol-lowering medications have been approved for public mass consumption. Over the next three years, statins will be used as food additives to regulate foods that would otherwise raise cholesterol. Kraft already has plans for a Stat’n Mac’n Cheese. And Pfizer and Baskin-Robbins are currently working together to produce 31 statin-filled flavors of ice cream by 2011.

5. USDA Food Pyramid replaced with Food Trough.

Due to rising complaints about the archaic food groups included in the traditional USDA food pyramid, a new “food trough” has been designed to adequately reflect modern foods and eating habits. Rather than a pecking order of specific food groups, the trough appears as a swill of ingredients, traditional foods blended with chemically reduced corn byproducts. The imagery of the old “pyramid” diagram was confusing, often leading Americans to believe food was something to be climbed rather than something to stick one’s face in. Additionally, the new trough design allows for future food group discoveries and foods that do not easily lump into particular groups such as binding gums, preservatives, and hot pockets.

6. Bacon tax.

Working under the common knowledge that bacon is unhealthy, a twenty seven cent tax will be attached to each strip of bacon sold after May 18, 2010. The bacon tax could net over 14 billion dollars in the first five years, though 80% of that revenue will be set aside to bolster police and security forces for the impending May 19 bacon riots.

7. 42 Million dollars allotted to reduce the growing number of celebrity fad diets.

With over 70 outbreaks of celebrity fad diets in 2009 (up from 63 in 2008), Congress has implemented a series of regulations and initiatives to reduce the number of celebrity fad diets by as much as 40% by the year 2014. A fad diet hotline will be established for celebrities who have suffered from a recent bout of lemonade/cayenne fasting, and all new celebrities will be required to sign an “I will eat more than cabbage soup” pledge. Gwenyth Paltrow alone is being paid 2.3 million dollars to “eat normal” for a period of three years. And Kirstie Alley has been legally restricted from creating any more reality television shows.

8. Easy Cheese abolished.

In what is being hailed as one of the few non-partisan stipulations of the bill, Easy Cheese has been reclassified as a level 5 narcotic and will now only be available by prescription.

9. “No Child Left Behind” replaced with “No Child Left Unmedicated”.

Under the new plan, school nurses will be replaced with a system of self-serve procedures and medications available to elementary students based on classroom achievement. Students will be expected to use the knowledge gained from the earlier mentioned insurance documentation course to fill out all necessary application material for proper self-medication.

Tell everyone what you think about these stipulations in the comment board. Happy April 1st!

You want comments? We got comments:

Imagine you’re George Clooney. Take a moment to admire your grooming and wit. Okay, now imagine someone walks up to you and asks, “What’s your name?” You say, “I’m George Clooney.” Or maybe you say, “I’m the Clooninator!” You don’t say “I’m George of George Clooney Sells Movies Blog” and you certainly don’t say, “I’m Clooney Weight Loss Plan”. So while spam is technically meat, it ain’t anywhere near Primal. Please nickname yourself something your friends would call you.

  1. Todd may have fallen for the April Fools joke, but this in his reply is 100% accurate
    “Obama is bankrupting this country”

    No April fools there!

    Funny post.

    1968Tigers wrote on April 1st, 2010
  2. Brilliant!!!
    I was hoping you would do something for April Fool’s Day.
    Btw: Google is also “Topeka” for the day

    kuno1chi wrote on April 1st, 2010
  3. Good stuff. Glad there is a sense of humor here!

    john_e_turner_ii wrote on April 1st, 2010
  4. It really isn’t too far fetched. I heard they’re working on a tax bill for pizza and fast food already. WAY TO GO!
    I also understand that pharmaceutical companies are pushing for recommendations to start giving statins to kids from early age to prevent future “cholesterol problems”. No joke:) Read it in Berry Grove’s Trick or Treat book.

    chocolatechip69 wrote on April 1st, 2010
    • I’m not surprised. Doctors joke about adding statins to the water supply!

      maba wrote on April 1st, 2010
  5. There is such a thing as tax on bacon … more or less! Romanian tax on fast-food … first step towards imposing it on every single fatty cut of meat! Fat is BAD! cough

    Iulia wrote on April 1st, 2010
  6. Nice one Mark…….bacon tax!HA!

    Ron wrote on April 1st, 2010
  7. That was AWESOME!

    I have to admit, when I read #1, I was scared for the country. #2 didn’t make much sense to me, but nothing the govt does makes sense, so i still bought it. #3 & 4 scared the bejesus out of me. 5 is where i (FINALLY) realized it was an April Fools joke. It’s sad that I got through 5 of these things still believing that our government would actually do these things.

    anzy wrote on April 1st, 2010
    • #1 is already true! You can have your gastric bypass covered under Medicaid as long as your BMI is over 40 and/or you are over 100 lbs overweight. That’s why it took me a while to figure out that this was a joke. :)

      Macha wrote on April 1st, 2010
  8. Great! Had me going there up till Stat n’ Mac :)

    domoh wrote on April 1st, 2010
  9. LMAO! I thought it odd, but didn’t figure it out until the food trough and bacon tax.

    Noturningback wrote on April 1st, 2010
  10. Great post, Mark. You had me going until the 4th graders insurance course.

    I’m reminded from the many comments and my own reaction that most American’s have no idea what our government is doing and we’ve been accustomed to hearing news that borders on the ridiculous our entire lives. Some of those “fools jokes” aren’t too far off from reality.

    John Sifferman wrote on April 1st, 2010
  11. OMG, you had me going! #3 was incredible!! I was seriously thinking of telling hubby when I get home that we need to stock up on bacon to save money. you sure got me, fun post!

    Midgy wrote on April 1st, 2010
  12. That was messed up Mark.

    Matt wrote on April 1st, 2010
  13. Haha dang, I totaly fell for that. At first I couldn’t beleive it cause it seemed to be so rediculouse

    Austin wrote on April 1st, 2010
  14. lol and its funny cause its the second time today I fell for the april fools, earlier one of my classes my professor told us to get out a sheet of paper for a pop quiz on the reading material. I completely fell for that one too

    Austin wrote on April 1st, 2010
  15. Love it Mark. Thanks for your openness re: the current administration!! :)

    Kristy wrote on April 1st, 2010
  16. Ha!! You had me until I read “The digestible feces should hit fans by 2012”. Good one, Mark!

    Andrew wrote on April 1st, 2010
  17. The most awesome April Fools joke! Some of the information on your website is so far out there that it wouldn’t have surprised me if there was some truth associated with it.

    Janet wrote on April 1st, 2010
  18. You had me until “Stat’n Mac’n Cheese.” Then again, little surprises me any more, so at least 5 or 6 of these are plausible.

    Jason wrote on April 1st, 2010
  19. I told myself I wouldn’t be April Fooled. Especially from the source that gives me the best information. Bacon Tax! haha

    Christos wrote on April 1st, 2010
  20. So where are you all going to be on May 19th? I was fished right in, good one!

    Scott Grice wrote on April 1st, 2010
  21. HAHA! I was completely outraged and indignant at the insurance class replaceing phys ed (although the class itself isn’t a bad idea for high school…) But the Stat n Mac n Cheese is when I figured it out… nice!

    Alice wrote on April 1st, 2010
  22. I believe it all to be true.

    Dr. Pantzenfahr played a key role on Obama’s healthcare reform committee. These so-called “reforms” have his name written all over them.

    brian wrote on April 1st, 2010
  23. Haha, you should’ve moved #2 lower then you might’ve suckered me in longer. They don’t even teach check-book balancing in schools, no way they’re gonna teach insurance. :)

    Good one dude

    LX wrote on April 1st, 2010
  24. haha! Nice one! Great post! The thing I like about this site is the information. I’m learning so much every day. And even in a JOKE post, there’s still so much to glean.

    Keep it coming!

    Russ Hutto wrote on April 1st, 2010
  25. Sad thing is, I could actually see the statins thing happening.

    AM wrote on April 1st, 2010
  26. A good April Fool’s joke needs to at least be plausible to work. This could all be true, and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least!

    Jenny wrote on April 1st, 2010
  27. had me going till the celebrity diet part :)

    Alecia wrote on April 1st, 2010
  28. I think some overzeleous PB’r has gone a little too far in resisting the Bacon Tax.

    Mike wrote on April 1st, 2010
  29. hahahaha I totally fell for this one until I realized that each number was getting more and more ridiculous…;) Good one, Mark and Worker Bees!!

    Ika wrote on April 1st, 2010
  30. On the topic of April Fool’s jokes (and bacon), ThinkGeek has some good ones today, including a plush toy “My First Bacon”. I want one!

    DianeC wrote on April 1st, 2010
  31. As I was reading this I kept thinking “oh god, please let this be an april fool’s joke…”

    Sad to say, but I can see most of these things happening.

    JohnOTD wrote on April 1st, 2010
  32. I would prefer this plan as opposed to the one the morons in Washington just passed. Gimme my bacon tax…I am sure it will be cheaper…

    Dusty wrote on April 1st, 2010
  33. I think 5 of those are actually in the bill.

    Stat’n Mac’n Cheese! Now that is funny. Funny because they’re probably really in negotiations with food companies OR they’ll read this and think “Oh crap, that’s a GREAT idea”.

    Sterling wrote on April 1st, 2010
  34. I feel really stupid. but then, google got me this morning too!

    cyberaly wrote on April 1st, 2010
  35. I was preparing for the May 19th bacon riot! LOL.

    Jenny wrote on April 1st, 2010
    • I think we should still make May 19th Bacon Day. Parades, bacon recipes… seriously…

      Michelle wrote on April 1st, 2010
  36. April 1st or not, that was just a waste of time

    JUPITER wrote on April 1st, 2010
  37. ahahah… nice one!

    working-on-it... wrote on April 1st, 2010
  38. OMG… EMERGENCY LAP BAND??? What kind of emergency would that be? Quick people…Did you hear of the guy passed out face first in a trough! His statin mac and cheese has failed him. His forced medication has not prevailed. He’s perhaps eaten too much poop or fake cheese (as seen on the top layer of the trough), or maybe FAKE Bacon. And the stress from learning all the insurance codes has caused him to code… NO, NEVER MIND CPR… We do NOT HAVE TIME! We need to STARVE HIM! AND Stat! Damn that Bill that paid celebrities to quit with their insanity. We could have easily had him drink cabbage soup for the next 6-8 months. Or grapefruit juice…

    twinmama wrote on April 1st, 2010

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