9 Overlooked Stipulations in the Health Care Reform Bill
While preexisting conditions and required coverage have taken the main stage on the health care reform bill, many of the smaller changes hold just as much weight in the future of America’s health. These changes and additions have been largely ignored by mainstream media despite several billion dollars allocated to new preventative care initiatives.
Additionally, the bill includes some surprising fine print regulations. Most regulations won’t take effect immediately, but the sum of so many new laws and restrictions could cause major repercussions on our system over the next several years.
Finally, while the bill is certainly heavy on spending, there are several programs included to reduce overall health care costs, but such programs appear highly unorthodox on a first reading. The Worker Bees and I have combed through thousands of pages of minutiae to find nine lesser known stipulations, clauses, regulations, and programs in the new bill.
1. Emergency Lap-Band treatments covered under government-offered insurance plan.
Lap-Band surgery has been credited as a legitimate and necessary procedure in certain situations and will be covered entirely under state and government assisted plans. Because many pundits claim the procedure is unnecessary, the surgery will be reserved for patients who have already exhausted conventional forms of weight loss such as eating low fat foods and running on a treadmill.
2. Insurance documentation course to be added to elementary education.
To prepare youngsters for future medical decision making, all public elementary schools will be required to teach an insurance documentation course to fourth grade students. Children will learn how to read insurance jargon and how to navigate through red tape when denied treatment for the first time. Additionally, students will learn life-practical skills such as how to pressure a PCP into prescribing the most heavily advertised medications, and what to pack into an emergency kit in case of total medical system failure. The insurance course will replace elementary physical education.
3. Indigestible feces content in CAFO beef to be eradicated.
Due to recent public outcry over meat and poultry production standards which permit “acceptable” levels of feces in market meats, a new policy will reduce the allowable feces content in CAFO beef to 0% by the year 2014. While eliminating feces from CAFO-raised products is impossible, a 73 million dollar stipend has been awarded to Monsanto to genetically modify cows to produce nutrient dense, flavor-rich, digestible feces. Incorporating the genetically modified, safe cow waste into meat would completely bypass all feces restrictions. The digestible feces should hit fans by 2012.
4. Statins approved for general consumption, given the go-ahead as a food additive.
Many popular cholesterol-lowering medications have been approved for public mass consumption. Over the next three years, statins will be used as food additives to regulate foods that would otherwise raise cholesterol. Kraft already has plans for a Stat’n Mac’n Cheese. And Pfizer and Baskin-Robbins are currently working together to produce 31 statin-filled flavors of ice cream by 2011.
5. USDA Food Pyramid replaced with Food Trough.
Due to rising complaints about the archaic food groups included in the traditional USDA food pyramid, a new “food trough” has been designed to adequately reflect modern foods and eating habits. Rather than a pecking order of specific food groups, the trough appears as a swill of ingredients, traditional foods blended with chemically reduced corn byproducts. The imagery of the old “pyramid” diagram was confusing, often leading Americans to believe food was something to be climbed rather than something to stick one’s face in. Additionally, the new trough design allows for future food group discoveries and foods that do not easily lump into particular groups such as binding gums, preservatives, and hot pockets.
6. Bacon tax.
Working under the common knowledge that bacon is unhealthy, a twenty seven cent tax will be attached to each strip of bacon sold after May 18, 2010. The bacon tax could net over 14 billion dollars in the first five years, though 80% of that revenue will be set aside to bolster police and security forces for the impending May 19 bacon riots.
7. 42 Million dollars allotted to reduce the growing number of celebrity fad diets.
With over 70 outbreaks of celebrity fad diets in 2009 (up from 63 in 2008), Congress has implemented a series of regulations and initiatives to reduce the number of celebrity fad diets by as much as 40% by the year 2014. A fad diet hotline will be established for celebrities who have suffered from a recent bout of lemonade/cayenne fasting, and all new celebrities will be required to sign an “I will eat more than cabbage soup” pledge. Gwenyth Paltrow alone is being paid 2.3 million dollars to “eat normal” for a period of three years. And Kirstie Alley has been legally restricted from creating any more reality television shows.
8. Easy Cheese abolished.
In what is being hailed as one of the few non-partisan stipulations of the bill, Easy Cheese has been reclassified as a level 5 narcotic and will now only be available by prescription.
9. “No Child Left Behind” replaced with “No Child Left Unmedicated”.
Under the new plan, school nurses will be replaced with a system of self-serve procedures and medications available to elementary students based on classroom achievement. Students will be expected to use the knowledge gained from the earlier mentioned insurance documentation course to fill out all necessary application material for proper self-medication.
Tell everyone what you think about these stipulations in the comment board. Happy April 1st!
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Posted By: Mark Sisson
Loved it! I got to the last sentence of #2 before realizing it must be an April Fools joke, because there is no WAY they’ll get rid of phys ed (aka Torture, for some of us back in the day). I was pretty convinced they would ACTUALLY be teaching fourth graders how to fill out insurance forms. And kind of thought it was a good idea.
Oh! I actually got to item #5 before I figured out this nonsense. I feel so dumb right now….
What does it say about this government that most of these are at least plausible? Nothing good, that’s for sure.
I was thinking the same thing!
Actually it shows how people are so gullible and easily manipulated once their trust has been gained. Think about it. Mark already has your trust. Why else read his blog or buy his books? So when he does something like this, even if its weird ( why did some of you take so long to see it was a hoax?), you doubt your instincts because you don’t think Mark would lie to you.
This is how opinionators make their money. You trust them, you don’t question them, and you wind up believing the craziest stuff.
Allison W… you are correct. The only people who would find this stuff “plausible” are right wing, mouthbreathing, Glenn Beck watching idiots. Seriously, if you read this and thought it was “plausible”, then you really need to re-tool your critical thinking.
If you and your left-leaning associates are so intellectually superior than those who are politically and economically conservative, than why is it you continue to engage in character assassination and name calling? “Mouthbreathing”? “Idiots”? Honestly, is that the best you can muster? Can’t you please provide a rational, logical defense of socialist-style principles?
And, no, referring to the current Congress and Administraion as Socialist is not name calling, it is an accurate characterization of where their policies are taking this great nation…taking over the means of production…the auto industry, banking, health care, student loans. What’s next? When individual liberty, property, and autonomy are sacrificed for and made beholding to the supremacy of the State, that is the road to Socialism. And that is exactly where we are today…on the road to a Euro-style of Socialism.
“And that is exactly where we are today…on the road to a Euro-style of Socialism.”
Sounds good to me. Bring it on.
Marcus, Thank you so much for your honesty. Finally a post from someone on the left that is honest about his/her position. Of course, I disagree and think that history will demonstrate the error in your position, but, nonetheless, I do respect your ability to state your position with honesty over hatred. Grok on!
Bob: There is so much internally inconsistent with your post that I have no idea how to respond, much less how to respond with “rational, logical” defenses — that’s my point. You people are so off your rockers that you can’t engage in any meaningful debate. If you either a) read this nonsens Mark posted and thought it was plausible, or b) have read the health care bill, or have a basic understanding of any of the acts taken so far by the Obama administration, and STILL think that this is a “socialist” administration, then you are simply unable to have an adult conversation grounded in reality. Go join a militia.
Jack, Meaningful debate? Where’s your argument? You make blanket charges against “YOU PEOPLE”, but, btw, noting concrete about ANYTHING I’ve stated and then end with “go join the militia”. Whoa, I’ve been served. NOT! So, where exactly is your rational, logical argument? And, to your charge of “internally inconsistent”, I’m waiting for your explanation. Where’s the beef, Jack?
Let me ask you some questions, Jack – do you have a job? Do you actually pay taxes in a respectable tax bracket? Do you pay for your health insurance? Do you donate money to charities that help those less fortunate than you? Do you volunteer your time to assist those without health care? When is the last time you donated blood?
You know, it was JFK, the last true Democrat – as opposed to the Socialists they have now become – who said, “Ask NOT what your country can do for you, ask what YOU can do for your country”. When the Democrats start living, once again, by that philosophy, instead of Robin Hood’s, they deserve the title. Until then, you are Socialists – doing good by spending other people’s money. What happens when you run out of other people’s money to spend on all of your pet projects? You might actually have to doing something for someone else on your own instead of passing it on to the Government to do with someone else’s hard earned dollars.
Hi Bob: This year I paid a little over 120K in income taxes. Is that enough? Do I count now? Moron.
Mark: This Bob fellow is a little too indicative of your readership for my liking. I’ll not be reading this website anymore. Good luck with everything.
WOW. It’s not Mark’s fault that this page was suddenly flooded with fanatical political comments (left and right). I have not enjoyed reading most of the comments on this page either (left or right), but it is not going to stop me from reading Marks website. I am not so quick to throw everyone into the same crab bucket.
“This year I paid a little over 120K in income taxes….moron”
ROFL!!! Jack claims he paid $120K (sure he did) in taxes and he’s ok with paying more? Who is the “moron”?
P.S. You still have not provided a logical, rational explanation of your position AND you, like your comrades, couldn’t help but resort to name calling. I suppose that is Mark’s fault too?
You had me till the bacon tax. Sad thing is hardly any of our “leaders” read the dang bill so much of this could be in their.
Would you read 2000 pages of government jargon?!
Nobody does. And that’s the plan…
Most of the Congress-critters that voted “yes’ sure didn’t.
It’s actually approx. 200 pages. Apparently bills are written for people with sight problems. They are like triple spaced with 18 -20 point font size.
Wow, you’re right! They also have ridiculous margins.
I would if that was my job, and I had staffers who could help me.
I was skeptical as soon as I read #2.
BACON TAX? that’s just NOT FUNNY, man. don’t even joke. SERIOUS BUSINESS.
I was thinking this was real at first, just laced with a heavy dose of sarcasm. The scary part is, most of it’s not that far off. Great post Mark.
Goddang people are gullible, how could you possibly read past #2 with a straight face? Sad.
Unfortunately, the statins “joke” might not be so funny:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/31/business/31statins.html
I knew at #2 it was April Fool’s, I fall for it every time!
Todd may have fallen for the April Fools joke, but this in his reply is 100% accurate
“Obama is bankrupting this country”
No April fools there!
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Funny post.
Brilliant!!!
I was hoping you would do something for April Fool’s Day.
Btw: Google is also “Topeka” for the day
Good stuff. Glad there is a sense of humor here!
It really isn’t too far fetched. I heard they’re working on a tax bill for pizza and fast food already. WAY TO GO!
I also understand that pharmaceutical companies are pushing for recommendations to start giving statins to kids from early age to prevent future “cholesterol problems”. No joke:) Read it in Berry Grove’s Trick or Treat book.
I’m not surprised. Doctors joke about adding statins to the water supply!
There is such a thing as tax on bacon … more or less! Romanian tax on fast-food … first step towards imposing it on every single fatty cut of meat! Fat is BAD! cough
Nice one Mark…….bacon tax!HA!
That was AWESOME!
I have to admit, when I read #1, I was scared for the country. #2 didn’t make much sense to me, but nothing the govt does makes sense, so i still bought it. #3 & 4 scared the bejesus out of me. 5 is where i (FINALLY) realized it was an April Fools joke. It’s sad that I got through 5 of these things still believing that our government would actually do these things.
#1 is already true! You can have your gastric bypass covered under Medicaid as long as your BMI is over 40 and/or you are over 100 lbs overweight. That’s why it took me a while to figure out that this was a joke.
Great! Had me going there up till Stat n’ Mac
LMAO! I thought it odd, but didn’t figure it out until the food trough and bacon tax.
Great post, Mark. You had me going until the 4th graders insurance course.
I’m reminded from the many comments and my own reaction that most American’s have no idea what our government is doing and we’ve been accustomed to hearing news that borders on the ridiculous our entire lives. Some of those “fools jokes” aren’t too far off from reality.
OMG, you had me going! #3 was incredible!! I was seriously thinking of telling hubby when I get home that we need to stock up on bacon to save money. you sure got me, fun post!
That was messed up Mark.
Haha dang, I totaly fell for that. At first I couldn’t beleive it cause it seemed to be so rediculouse
lol and its funny cause its the second time today I fell for the april fools, earlier one of my classes my professor told us to get out a sheet of paper for a pop quiz on the reading material. I completely fell for that one too
Love it Mark. Thanks for your openness re: the current administration!!
Ha!! You had me until I read “The digestible feces should hit fans by 2012″. Good one, Mark!
The most awesome April Fools joke! Some of the information on your website is so far out there that it wouldn’t have surprised me if there was some truth associated with it.
You had me until “Stat’n Mac’n Cheese.” Then again, little surprises me any more, so at least 5 or 6 of these are plausible.
I told myself I wouldn’t be April Fooled. Especially from the source that gives me the best information. Bacon Tax! haha
So where are you all going to be on May 19th? I was fished right in, good one!